Humor

I, Your Faithful Pillow, Want to Say My Last Words

There’s stuff you need to know before you throw me away.

See how happy you were with me? Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.

I remember when you played “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran for the first time, and I almost teared up — somebody had finally written a relatable song for pillows.

Now that you’ve decided to get rid of me, I must tell you some things before you discard me for one of those fancy, overpriced memory foam pillows who get dementia by the age of two:

• When you’re asleep, you mumble passwords you’d once forgotten. Your fantasy cooking app password is #NoCaloriesOnlyHunger100%.
• In your dream last night, a bunch of fish with ten legs chased you down a tunnel. It means you will trip and fall in a gutter today. How do I know this? My great-great grandma, an experienced and honest pillow, helped Sigmund Freud write The Interpretation of Dreams. You can’t write a book on dreams without a pillow’s assistance. She passed down her complex knowledge to me hoping I’d someday help my owner.
• Every day, I’d get bored staring at the blank ceiling. Maybe cover it with wallpaper? The next pillow will appreciate the gesture and respect me for my thoughtful legacy.
• You prop me up and rest against me at night while reading. Over the years, I’ve concluded that you don’t have a spine. I’m not sure if it’s literal or metaphorical.
• Please don’t buy tight pillowcases; they make pillows claustrophobic and can give you nightmares(my great-great grandma’s wisdom is never wrong).
• Pillow fights. As a self-proclaimed intelligent species, you managed to develop the deadliest weapons, but instead of using them, you choose soft, peaceful objects like us while fighting. Why the chaos in our quiet lives? Use the knives in the kitchen.
• You hide things below me. Do I look like a safe to you? Any novice thief can flip me and find your keys to the limited edition copy of ‘Intense Poetry for the Koala Bear Inside You’ in the drawer next to me. Find a better place to secure important stuff.
• Finally, I want you to throw me a farewell party. You don’t have to do much. Just collect the pillows from the living room and place them around me. We’ll have loads of fun with juicy pillow talk.

I hope this helps as you move on in life while I miss the shape of you.

Enjoyed this? Check out some of my other scribblings:

I’m the One who Presses the Elevator Button Repeatedly

Life-threatening Situations in Which I Didn’t Die.