Humor
If Last-Minute Text-Invites to a Holiday Party Were Honest
Proof you are far from the A-List
Published in
2 min readNov 19, 2021
- “Our extended family got into a huge fight over our decision to serve Vegan turkey. Word about the fake bird spread quickly and others bailed.”
- “The people we like more than you flaked on us. We were banking on their attendance. Apparently, they found a cooler party that was better for their personal brand. Now, we’re stuck looking down the hierarchy of our friends, and our eyes have landed directly on you. Oh, and we’re all doing Keto. So, for once, please ditch the cookies and bring a decent bottle of red wine.”
- “You have a lovely voice, but you’re a showoff who will incessantly sing Christmas carols. That kept us from reaching out until we secured a Metallica cover band to perform at our party to drown out any of your potentially grating harmonies. P.S. You’re too old for TikTok. And your ugly Christmas sweaters embarrass everyone, including your cats.”
- “We’ve been in the same friend group for years, and it’s just too much energy to try to perform a coup or exorcism or whatever it would take to get rid of you. Show up if you want.”
- “Not enough people responded. We already paid the caterer for 40 people and couldn’t get a discount when only 30 RSVP’d. We knew this a week ago, but we were still hoping our B-listers would come. When you think about it, you should feel badly for us and offer to pay for your share of dinner.”
- “You’re a sloppy drunk, and no one wanted you there. But my mother-in-law made us invite our mean Aunt Margie, and we realized the two of you would get along great. We have the kids table all set up, even though there are no kids.”
- “Your four-page holiday newsletter reeked of desperation. Then we realized your presence would make everyone else at the soiree feel better about themselves.”
- “You annoy everyone, but you always give generous gift cards. We thought we weren’t so shallow, but after an invigorating debate last night, we decided the cash value you bring is worth your irritating company.”
- “Of course, we don’t hate you, but until we sorted through all of our local friends, we totally forgot you existed. In fact, it took us about 20 minutes to collectively remember your name. “
- “Don’t read too much into the fact that you’re just now getting a text about our New Year’s Eve party. It’s not even dark yet, so that’s plenty of notice.”
