Humor

I’ll Never Forget You… But You Still Have My Coat

The Naked Assassin — Part 8 (Finale)

Mantuno sighed like a PTA member agreeing to handle the bake sale, “Yeah, we’ll just go now.”

Bonzo picked up his club, and he and Mantuno walked out of my office, naked.

Johnny handed me the Purple Cow winnings.

“If you ask me Children, I would say that dogs make a lot more sense than all of this.” Johnny waved his hands like he was third base coach trying to land a plane.

“I appreciate your concern, Johnny, but no one asked you,” I said smiling so he wouldn’t take offense.

Johnny chuckled and headed back to the track.

I turned to talk to Jessica...but she was gone.

Part of me knew that I should just leave it there. But I just couldn’t let it go.

The next morning, I went back to see Jeff Frost.

When I got to his office, he was having a light breakfast and a peach Bellini.

“Mr. Frost, sorry to bother you again.”

“No, no bother. Would you like a Bellini?”

“No, I’m good. I just had a quick question.”

Frost made a face like a Muppet who dropped an ice cream cone. I figured that I should accept the Bellini.

“A Bellini, sure.”

Frost seemed pleased, and rang the bell. A different Neanderthal brought in a Bellini. It was very nice.

“Ah, that’s a good drink. Let me ask you, you like Mai Tais too, right?”

Frost finished his Bellini, and gave me a big smile.

“Oh sure, who doesn’t like a Mai Tai.”

“That’s funny, because I was looking at some photos of the heist, and someone left a Mai Tai glass at the scene. That was you, right? You knew about Old Man Ganoosh’s plan to have Jessica steal the jewels, so you snuck in, hid behind the oriental screen, had a lovely beverage, and ...took photos of the heist that you used to blackmail Jessica, right?”

Frost looked like an ice cube staring at the Mona Lisa.

“Interesting theory, but even if you’re right, what makes you think that you are leaving here with the photos, or leaving here at all?”

I saw him reach for his little bell. I figured that he wasn’t calling the Neanderthal for another Bellini. I snatched the bell, and waved an envelope at him.

“Nope. No, bell. This is mine, now. And you are going to give me the photos, and let me leave, because I also looked at the photos from the murder scene, and noticed half a glass of white sangria someone left behind an loveseat.”

Frost shrugged, “White sangria is not my favorite.”

I fixed him with my bowling league stare.

“My guess is you decided against blackmailing the Naked Assassins, Mantuno and Bonzo, because it’s not a good idea to give assassins a reason to kill you, and you now probably don’t want anyone to think that you have those photos, do you?”

“You are very perceptive, Mr. Thomas. What do we do now?”

“It’s Children. Here’s what we do, you give me the photos I want, and I’ll give the photos you want, and no one needs to know who stole the jewels, or who watched someone steal the jewels, or who was there to watch Old Man Ganoosh buy it.”

“Seems like a fair trade.”

We swapped photos, and had a Kir Royale.

Then, I called Ganoosh, er, Jessica, it’s hard to get used to that, and we arranged to meet at a coffee shop near my office.

“Thanks for getting my photos, Children. I’m sorry I lied to you. I just didn’t know if I could trust you.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I hope you don’t think poorly of me.”

“No, I get it. You saw an angle and you played it. What will you do now?”

“Probably take my money and head West. You could come.”

An intriguing thought, but did I want to take a chance on a serial, albeit thoroughly captivating, liar? I was tempted, but this was not a good bet.

“Out West? Nah, not my thing. Besides, how could I give up the glamorous life that I’ve carved out here?”

“Well, if you ever change your mind.”

“I know. I know. It was nice meeting you.”

And then I watched her walk away. Like a slinky in a jell-o mold. Life takes some funny turns. What are you gonna do...Although, she still had my coat.

“Mr. Barista, give me one for the road. I’m heading West.”

END