Humor
I’m a Fingernail Celebrating My Six Week Birthday, and I’m Going Through a Midlife Crisis
It’s lonely when you claw your way to the top
This should be a happy day.
I’m sitting here, knuckle deep in chicken wings, bacon-wrapped dates, and fried pickles. The spread here is phenomenal; ranch sauce, French onion dip, and guac as far as the fingertip can see.
Everyone’s here for me, so what’s the problem?
I’m halfway home.
That’s right. I’ve lived a great month and a half, but look at any scientific study and you’ll see I’ve only got three to six months to scratch my way to the top. How did I get here?
Gone are the hand loose and fancy-free days of laying in my nail bed as late as I wanted with no responsibilities. I ran with a tough crowd of hangnails that no one wanted a part of. We would aimlessly ride around on our finger boards all day, and it was perfect. We had ourselves on the pulse and our prints all over town. But, that’s how life works I guess… distance became an issue and we all lost touch.
You know what they say “you gotta cut the cuticle and let them go.” Well, be careful what you wish for. I was ready to go out and be my own talon since the day I became a lunula; you know, that half-moon shaped arc thing you get at the base of your nail…the one your parents said you only got if you drank a lot of milk as a kid. I didn’t know how good I had it back then; now I’m halfway down the keratin crossroads.
But what can I do? I’ve always had everything I ever wanted. Multiple daily showers, a huge wedding ring, and scrolling my iPad for 21 hours a day. So why do I feel like my life is pointing downward?
It’s because I see them. Everyday. On the bathroom counter…the clippers. Taunting me, knowing there’s only one ending to this unfair three-to-six-month journey my brothers, sisters, and I are forced into. It doesn’t matter that I’ve worked myself to the bone to live a decent life.
This is no joke. I’m not asking you to pull my… you know. Midlife crises are no laughing matter when you’re tortured by the sight of the guillotine that will one day end your life.
All I can do is put on a brave nail plate, hold on to the good memories, and pick up whatever positive vibes I can.
