I’m a Volunteer Father Figure for Cops Born out of Wedlock
Offering TLC when ACAB.
One reason for America’s unrest is summed up by the acronym ACAB: “All Cops Are Bastards.” But it’s not the cops’ fault they were born illegitimate children. Nor is it right that, lacking a positive male role model, they grew into brutal adults.
That’s why I started the non-profit mentoring network “Dadz 4 Kops,” which gives adult police the supportive experiences and lessons they missed out on as kids. So, if you’re an upstanding male figure in your community, please help. Volunteer as one of our “Big Daddyz” today, and we will heal our criminal justice system by raising these poor fatherless bastards right.
As father figures in my own neighborhood, we use citizen complaints about excessive force to identify “Lil’ Kops” in need, and have found great success in bonding with these cops during fun father-son activities.
Officer Dougherty, for example, went with me to the local Little League field to have a catch. He immediately grabbed a baseball bat and swung it recklessly, looking for “protestors.” But I took the bat from him until he calmed down, showed him how to shag fly balls rather than crack skulls, and gave him a high-five.
When treating Officer Richter to ice cream at a neighborhood shop, he couldn’t decide what to order, insisting that “all flavors matter.” So, his volunteer Big Daddy, Larry, tousled his hair, taught him that wasn’t true until chocolate mattered, and then the two had two scoops with hot fudge.
And Detective Mitchell learned to use the tools in the workshop of his volunteer Big Daddy, Dennis. At first, he was excited to be part of a “hanging,” until Dennis explained they’d be hanging the birdhouse they were building. He pouted until Dennis let him use his biggest hammer, then they chatted about how to best protect and serve our feathered friends. As he smashed nails into wood, he soon took pride in the fact that his work would shelter any bird, regardless of its color or national origin. As Detective Mitchell slapped on the last coat of varnish, he smiled when Dennis patted him on the back and said, “you done good.”
Soon, I applied these techniques to a national network of volunteer mentors, all of whom ignite the power and promise of non-murdering cops.
We’ve made great strides, but sadly, not every bastard can be saved. Our most recent failure came when Sergeant DeBarbieri threw a tantrum after his Big Daddy asked him to take apart his blanket fort and go to bed. DeBarbieri screamed “I’m not dismantling nothing, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD,” released tear gas, and ultimately got promoted to Lieutenant. Realistically, not every mentoring relationship will be fruitful, which is why our Big Daddyz need both a strong sense of civic duty, and excellent health insurance.
It will take plenty of bike rides and fishing trips to overcome lifetimes of fatherless toxicity. But as more Lil’ Kops are taught that “big boys always tell the truth,” more bad apples are being indicted, and our streets are getting safer. I’ve found that acts as simple as letting cops hold the wheel of my sports car as they sit on my lap and I rev the engine can win them over, reaching through their riot gear and into their hearts and minds.
To all the responsible men of America, please pledge your time and talent to “Dadz 4 Kops.” Together, we can teach these bastards a thing or two about being a decent member of society.
