Humor
I’m Poop and I Think I Should Be Considered #1
I mean, there isn’t even a pee emoji.
More rare than my liquid yellow counterpart, I, poop, do not just beckon you to rush to the bathroom every few hours or so. No, when I arrive, it’s something special. It’s something different, something bigger. That’s why I’m asking you to consider calling me #1.
Pee is so boring, so one dimensional it might as well be water. “Oh is it gonna be clear or yellow this time?” Wow how exciting, said no one ever. Plus, when was the last time you called your boyfriend over to take a look at the size and shape of your pee? Never.
Each day I am humiliated by hundreds of humans across the globe confessing to need to “go number two.” How do you think that makes me feel? I’ll tell you how it make me feel: like Joe Biden from 2009 to 2017. Together, we can make me feel like Joe Biden in 2021.
And I shouldn’t be humiliated in that way, because I am special. Secret, even. Sure, you might tell your partner about me, but telling your friends and coworkers you have to set me loose? You’d never. There’s even a whole market of fragrance sprays to disguise the fact that I’ve been there at all. A private moment between me and you and the single stall bathroom on the third floor.
And don’t be tricked into thinking you should start calling diarrhea #1. I know he’s been saying he’s the best because he’s like me and pee combined, but let’s be honest with ourselves, nobody likes the smell of their own diarrhea. Nobody enjoys vomiting out their butthole. There is nothing positive about that experience.
So what do you say, huh? Down with pee! Up with poop! Diarrhea can stay where it is.
Refer to me as #1, you won’t regret it!
