Humor
I’m the Ensign From Star Trek Who Eats The Transporter Clones
Ambassador Sarek is Less Chewy Than You’d Think
Yeah, I work on the Enterprise. With the transporters, actually. No, I’m not the one who pushes the button up. You’re thinking of the transporter chief. I’m in a slightly different field.
I’m the ensign who eats the transporter clones.
Aren’t transporter clones pretty rare? Yeah, a lot of people think that, but no, it’s like getting a flat tire. Happens to everyone sooner or later. Really big issue with the first transporters. Every third time, there’d be two different versions of the same guy and they’d fight for which one got to live and which had to be banished, and it was a whole thing. That’s where I come in.
So you know when there’s the whoooo-oooo sound effect and all the cool energy stuff shows up? Yeah, that’s mostly for show, actually. The real transporter doesn’t need any of that, but it sorta distracts the eye so no one notices the little trapdoor opening at the bottom. And then there’s a little chute and I’m hanging out below ready to eat anyone who falls through.
Do I wish I had a different job? I mean, everyone thinks they’d be a good captain. But overall, no, I’m happy with where I am. I mostly joined Starfleet because of my passionate love for eating large amounts of raw meat. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve absolutely loved consuming uncooked meat in industrial quantities. My guidance counselor actually recommended me to the Academy for that reason. So my work has been really satisfying, especially from that perspective.
Who’s the most famous person I’ve ever eaten? Well, I’m not actually supposed to name names. Some people get uncomfortable when they meet someone who’s consumed their body. It’s a superstition, but I try to respect it. Although, between us, I can tell you, Ambassador Sarek is less chewy than you’d think.
Personally, I’ve never understood people who think my job is particularly gross or weird. I mean, is it really any grosser to eat a few extra bodies than to, say, load a photon torpedo or aim a phaser? What about the ensigns who have to play the one out every seven holodeck characters who are legally required to be real? Or the guy who has to stand in the warp core, making the light go up and down? At least I’m not killing anyone, you know. I mean, not anyone there isn’t a spare of.
I’ve met people who feel, on a personal level, uncomfortable with transporters, because they don’t like the idea that I will possibly eat their body and enjoy doing it. And you know, I understand. I think it is your right to be uncomfortable with anything. But I also think it’s a little dramatic. You’re scared of an interruption in consciousness? Well, sleep is an interruption of consciousness. You’re scared of being devoured by an ensign in a dimly lit basement? Well, that doesn’t happen when you sleep, but you get the idea.
As for the future, well, I’d like us to teleport more Andorrians. Andorrians are always delicious, and they’ve got almost as many nutrients as Klingons without any of the bitterness. Also, I wouldn’t mind having a knife. That would make a lot of things way easier.
Well, what I love in my work is the sense of being a part of something larger than myself. When I eat a diplomat, say, or a scientist on the verge of making a breakthrough, that’s not just delicious, although it is. It’s a reminder that without me, travel would be much more inconvenient for them. That, to me, is the tastiest seasoning of all.
Though to answer your question a little more literally, my favorite is BBQ sauce.
