Humor

I’m the One who Presses the Elevator Button Repeatedly

I have valid reasons for doing so

This is how you end up looking after intensive elevator button pressing. But it’s worth it. Photo by Kamagi Ogino on Pexels

People always tell me that pressing the elevator button again and again doesn’t help make it come any faster, but they couldn’t be more wrong. To all the non-believers out there, I’ll tell you what happens when you press the button multiple times and why it’s a nice thing to do:

• The number of times you press the button is proportional to how urgently you want to use the elevator. My preferable count is fifty on a non-urgent basis, otherwise, it can easily go up to five thousand. At such times, I use the machine I had invented for this purpose. It’s called Annoy The Elevator Till It Loses Its Patience Provided It Existsᵀᴹ. You can send me an email if you want one. It’s not free, of course.
• Pressing the button repeatedly is good for your mental health. It makes you believe that you’re in control and perpetuates false hope that in turn makes you happy. Sort of like life. This was proved by the capable researchers at the Intergalactic Association of Elevator Button Pressers.
• Relentless button pressing is good karma because the arrival of the elevator not only benefits you but also the other people waiting. With all the accumulated karma, you can kill your enemies, rob a bank, or make someone climb stairs every day by not allowing them to enter the elevator. You won’t be punished for the first two; I’m not sure about the last one.
• It’s a productive activity. Unlike other people who while waiting, watch videos of cats interviewing dogs, staring contests between eighty-year-olds, and other similar crap, you make the best use of your time for the larger good of degrading humanity.
• After a point, the elevator, out of fear and respect, arrives at your floor automatically by sensing your presence; I haven’t reached that level yet but I will one day. It’s the sole purpose of my life now.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to the tenth floor. I’ve pressed the button five thousand four hundred and thirty-three times, but the elevator hasn’t arrived yet… I wonder what’s wrong.