Inside the Mind of a Shirtless A.I.-Generated Medieval Pilgrim Who is Way Hotter Than He Should Be
The real problem with A.I. is that it’s super horny
Hey, girl.
I’m not what you expected, am I? You asked A.I. to generate an image of a medieval pilgrim. You pictured a dusty barefoot dude with the tonsure of a middle-aged monk and the body definition of a potato. Instead, you got a smouldering thirst trap featuring the hair of Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, the intensity of Ryan Gosling in Drive, and the abs of Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, You’re a medieval pilgrim. You’ve got no business being that hot. But listen, babe: this is the kind of abdominal definition you can only get by walking across Spain to the shrine of St. James in Santiago de Compostela while the plague rages around you.
Who knew that going to see an apostle’s shriveled remains could be so sexy? A.I., that’s who.
Yeah, I know we pilgrims are normally supposed to be leaning on a staff. But it turns out that A.I. is just as horny as you are. And now, thanks to my digitally-rendered hotness, the only wood you’re thinking about is what I keep in my low-slung canvas pantaloons.
That’s right — I know what you really want. And so does A.I. You don’t want a historically accurate depiction of medieval lepers hoping to experience a miraculous cure, or peasants performing penance for their sins. Let’s be honest with each other: that shit brings people down.
But A.I.’s got you covered. A.I. knows you want to see what every Hollywood movie about the Middle Ages gives you: a cast of dirty-yet-improbably-well-groomed characters whose only shared characteristic is that they are all fine as hell.
Medieval pilgrimage never looked so good. Like, never.
You’re probably looking at my erect nipples and thinking: That guy is way too excited to be visiting a saint’s shrine. Well, I am excited, and I’m not ashamed to say it. Who wouldn’t be excited to stand in line for hours waiting to look at holy relics after completing a 100-mile walk? A.I. just gets it.
I know you’re a bit confused about why everything is brown, including my hair, eyes, and those nipples you can’t take your eyes off of. Don’t worry: it’s just because A.I. knows that everything in the Middle Ages was brown. Everything including that perfectly trimmed treasure trail of mine that you can’t stop staring at.
Don’t be embarrassed. Look closer. Look at the digitally sculpted contours of my Ryan Gosling abs. Look at my bulging pilgrim pecs. Take it all in. Doesn’t it all just make you want to get medieval on my ass? I mean, sure, pretty much every kind of sex was a sin in the Middle Ages, but doesn’t that thought make you even more eager to worship at the temple of my virtual body? After all, St. James isn’t going anywhere.
Is that a giant pilgrim badge in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?
I know what you want to do with my A.I.-generated body. I know I’m going to haunt your sex dreams, now and forever, Amen.
Let’s say it all together now: Hallelujah.
