It’s Not Me, It’s Coup: GOP Breaks Off Long-Term Romance With Democracy
The Truth Behind This Celebrity Split
We saw it coming over the last couple of decades as this former celebrity power-couple was seen together in public less frequently and appeared to be on diverging career paths. The GOP was spending more time seeking adulation from a small group of mega-fans, while Democracy kept her focus on representative government.
Sources close to the couple who spoke under condition of anonymity told us: “The GOP felt like Democracy cared more about the will of the people than she did about his success.”
Another said: “Democracy just didn’t feel like she needed to say she only counted ‘legal’ votes. After two hundred years of precedent, she felt that it went without saying.”
Still, sources tell us that Democracy was hanging on, hoping that she and the GOP could work it out. That all changed last week when the GOP broke up with her in a barrage of Tweets and lawsuits that rocked her very foundations.
And as if that wasn’t enough, the GOP then started rallying all his friends to shun Democracy and say that she never was so great anyway.
A source close to Democracy said: “It’s been really heartbreaking for her, especially turning her friends against her. Friends who in some cases, actually swore an oath to defend her. And now the GOP is also trying to claim their favorite hang-out spots like Georgia and Pennsylvania.”
A source close to the GOP says his head has been turned by a new love: “When Autocracy showed up with her cult-like personality, her rallies, her unabashed ‘do or say anything and get away with it’ brazenness, we knew that the clock was ticking for Democracy.”
We reached out to the GOP for comment, but he was apparently too busy cozying up with Autocracy to respond to our calls.
We were able however, to speak to an agent of Democracy who gave us this statement:
“I, Democracy, am and always will be the will of the people, spoken by the people. I have always upheld my oath, even when you, the people, made some frankly dumbass choices.
Despite the GOPs assertions, the truth is that I’m leaving him, because if he can’t accept the free will of the people, then we don’t have a future.
I need to be with someone who will support my work to represent and defend freedom of assembly and speech, inclusiveness and equality, voting, and the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The serious cracks in our relationship began in January 2017 when it was clear that my charms of a free press and separation of powers, were beginning to lose their appeal. And while it took a few more years for things to come to a head, I knew in my heart that we were over when later that same year, during a visit to Charlottesville, the GOP was caught in bed with white supremacy.
Given his recent rowdy parties where people are passing around alternative facts and racist memes, it’s clear that my ex has a power addiction and needs help. While I wish him the best, I would like to remind the GOP that we have an airtight pre-nup — the constitution — so you bet I’ll see him in court.”
Our sources close to Democracy confirmed that she plans to stay in America and: “While she’s moving on for now, she hopes that the GOP’s infatuation will be short-lived, and if so, she’ll welcome him back with open arms.”
Good luck, Democracy, we hope that works out for you.
