Humor
It’s Your Inbox, and I’m Worried About You
An Intervention
I love that you’re interested in everything. But — I’ll just say it — it’s gotten out of hand. You swear you’ve got it under control, but I’ve got 17,036 unopened emails that disagree. I know it feels normal to you, but as your inbox, I assure you it is not.
I’m going to overlook daily news roundups. But it’s not just news, is it? Great Wines of Montana. Outdoor Gear for Indoor People. Paleo Power Meals. (You know how long those folks lived, right?) Don’t forget the 19 different Jeep newsletters. Do we need to talk about the fact that you drive a Prius?
I know it’s not hoarding, but I mean, it’s not not hoarding.
The truth is, you ask for a lot. eBooks. White papers. Affirmations. And they all sit here, untouched.
Like your subscription to Healthy Weeknight Dinners. Would it kill you to click on one? They’ve been sitting here so long they’re probably not considered healthy anymore. I guess you’ll never know if everyone will actually love the 25 Super Spaghetti Squash Recipes Everyone Will Love.
And who needs a half-dozen reminders to confirm a dentist appointment? Were you too busy not reading the roundups with Can’t-Miss Podcasts, Celebrity Playlists, and Unusual Cocktails for Adventurous Drinkers that you cleverly flagged in purple?
I’m going to be straight with you, you get a lot of login support emails for someone who uses the same password on every site.
Oh, the points and the perks. Can you really be loyal to 97 companies? Yes, relationships take work. Sure, it feels good to achieve elite status, reap platinum rewards, and double your points for double the fun. But maybe ease up a bit until they start spelling your name correctly.
Don’t think I haven’t seen you ogling those Lowest-Rate, New-Model-Trade-In, and Make-the-Switch promotions. I know that you know that I know you’re marking them un-read, which essentially makes me complicit in your little game. Not OK.
And by the way, a 15% Off All Sweaters promotion doesn’t last forever. Sure, you marked it high priority, but you can’t just ignore it until you’re in the mood. Especially when swimsuit emails are already pouring in. No wonder your relationships don’t last.
Ok, I’m sorry. I know you’re trying. But it’s not enough. I do believe you thought you were doing the right thing when you clicked “unsubscribe” on the Men with Big Penises Go to Heaven email. Sadly, that damage is done and now they know how to reach you. But you’ve also learned a lesson about who you can and can’t trust. Deep down, I want to trust you. But would it kill you to just stick your order confirmations in a folder? Clean out your Junk once in a while? Throw what you don’t want in the Trash?
It’s time to do something. Anything. Filter. Sort. Mass purge. You decide. And remember, I’m here for you. Literally. Literally literally. Tell me who to block and I’ll do it. No questions asked. Just hurry, before another discount code withers and dies here.
Karen Scholl is a writer and recovering soccer mom living the dream in a flyover state.
