Humor
It’s Your Unread Pile of Books, and I’m Ready to Monetize This Inactivity
We’ve Been Together a Long Time. Let’s Take It to the Next Level
Hey, friend. We’ve been together a long time, and I’m not self-conscious, but I have gotten a lot bigger since we first met. I know the whole Covid thing caused us both to really pile on and I appreciate that you let me spread out and take as much space as I need. It gets me a lot of attention when people stop by and I’m flattered to be the official representation of your personality. Even though you don’t know much about me. What is embarrassing is that I’ve definitely outgrown both the nightstand and that side-table by your couch.
What I need, what we both need, is a bookshelf. Hear me out. I’m not trying to get you to open one of these Marie Kondo books and be organized or something. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Some brackets and a plank of plywood, milkcrates, whatever. I just want to be on display when you’re online. We’ve already cultivated your identity as a bibliophile; it’s time to show off your impeccable taste to the world wide web. None of that virtual background crap. We strategically rearrange for Zoom calls, maybe some quirky social media posts.. You can use some Tolkien or The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on game night, swap them out for The 48 Laws of Power and How to Make Friends and Influence People for work meetings. I’ve raised your cultural capital this far and it’s time to take it to the next level.
We are one string of fairy lights away from being BookTube influencers. Bookfluencers? Think about it, ok? It’s a shame to limit our scope to your friends, family, and the odd hook-up. I am a stack of high quality classic and contemporary literature and we need to be seen together. Start thinking of our future. I’ve got a stunning variety of genres. People think you’re so cool, quirky, and interesting you are just because I’m here. My diversification makes you look freaking cosmopolitan. Jane Austen, Mein Kampf, this level of sophistication cannot be contained any longer. We’ve got a little bit of everything: non-fiction, feminism, epic adventure novels, science, reference. We are just killing it, pal. So now we start a channel and get out there. Hook some subscribers, sell a little merch. Might even be fun.
Don’t get me wrong, nothing is fundamentally going to change between us. I see you scrolling on your phone, skimming e-books, listening to Audible while you alphabetize me. I’m ok with that. I’m not here to change your reading habits. I like this thing we have. I get a little taller every few months and you curate my titles to help me look my best. But I want to collect followers, not dust. Every one of my spines are in perfect condition. I look amazing for my age. No cracks, wrinkles, tears, stains. Just the impressive bibliography to your public-facing persona. Let’s make it pay off.
I know you get nervous when people ask you about me. Don’t worry. Our contrived and spurious literary palate is above such things. Catch-22, Don Quixote, Voltaire; there’s some serious potential here. Being perceived as a reader is more important than actually reading. You’re good; I’ve got a copy of How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read. You’ll get to it someday. Not that you have to, you do just fine without it. Your recitation of Wikipedia plot summaries are a goddamn artform. Stimulating. Insightful. Indistinguishable from someone who knows what they’re talking about. Rise to the challenge and flaunt your ignorance in front of strangers. We can do this. Just take some sticky tabs and mark random pages of The Wealth of Nations, Why Nations Fail, and these Naomi Klien books to make it look like you understand political economic theory. Show of this Nabokov collectors edition. Put some Einstein here beside Flatland and you’re golden. You’ve been training for this since high school and perfected your technique in college. You’re a grown-up now: It’s time we went viral.
