HUMOR
Jane Austen Aids Modern Men in Seduction
As I believe in the continuation of the species and your current overtures leave much to be desired, I have created this lexicon to assist you.
Dear Sirs,
It is a truth universally acknowledged that you would like to get laid. Let me assure you that there is no better companion for these activities than a woman well read in romance novels, especially the Austenites. Yet your current overtures leave much to be desired and lead me to fear for the continuation of our species. To that end, I have created this glossary to assist you. Look for the greeting or introduction you usually employ and utilize the elevated translation to woo your desired reader.
“Hey” → Your photos have captured me. I seek an introduction, as I must speak with the incredible woman who lives behind the vision.
“Are you from here? Because I’m visiting and would love a tour guide!” → Your beauty blinds me to where I cannot seem to find my way around town. Perhaps you would perambulate with me in the park and point out significant landmarks? I could endeavor no better guide than a woman of your distinction.
“What are you looking for?” → While I am of small fortune and little standing, I am captivated by your form and would die to spend an evening in your gentle comfort.
“Let’s skip the small talk and go for a drink!” → I see no reason to continue the inefficient trading of letters when I can escort you somewhere that I can partake in both drink and your visage.
“Impress me” → I am looking for an accomplished woman, skilled in the pianoforte and embroidery, of a sweet singing voice, and disposed to intelligent conversation on a variety of subjects that I find pleasing.
“Hello”
- A day later after no response: “Hello!”
- Twenty minutes after no response: “Hi!”
- Three days later: “?????”
- Six months later: “Sup???”
→ I greet you continually because I cannot think of anyone but you and the future we could create. If you would only return my affections and address my respects, then I might be freed from this mental torture.
After ghosting for several days: “wyd?” → I know that this message may seem uncouth considering my previous silence. Yet despite my long absence, I still think of you. My long walks through the vaguely English woods have only led me to thoughts of our future, particularly between the sheets.
If you still do not receive the response you desire after utilizing my phrases, I urge you to consider that the issue is not with your communication method, but with its content. Remember: our small clothes don’t get drenched from feeling like anyone else. If you’re honest, sincere, and make us feel like the actual object of your affection, you might just get your balls fondled.
I wish you the best of luck,
Janie A
