HUMOR
Journey to Egypt: A One Day Rip-Roaring Adventure of the Mysteries, Wonder, and Legendary Diarrhea
Americans are famous for being giant walking assholes. Now you’ll really feel like one!
Journey to Egypt: A One Day Rip-Roaring Adventure of Explosive Mysteries, Wonder, and Legendary Diarrhea
Come with us to beautiful Egypt, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch history come to life before your eyes. You’ll experience ancient wonders and modern mysteries like no place on Earth, including uniquely out of this world, truly life-changing diarrhea.
Diarrhea? Dia-right-o! Whether you’re an extreme thrill seeker or a fragile white woman from the suburbs of a mid-sized American city, no journey to Egypt is complete without this wild rectal ride. Come see why we call it the Pharaoh’s Revenge!
The pyramids and temples may have put Egypt on the map — but it’s exploring those ruins with an epic case of the runs that will make your journey like nothing else. It’s a feature, not a bug. (It’s also very much a bug so please sign this waiver in triplicate.)
Could you stick to bottled water, screw your lips shut in the shower and avoid anything that hasn’t been cooked to a burnt crisp? Sure. Should you follow the advice of your doctor, the CDC and all of the travel blogs? Yeah, if you don’t YOLO. Or you could listen to this one random reviewer, “Teetering on the toilet bowl’s edge of death, I’d never felt more alive!”
Be sure to pack your curiosity, camera, and several pairs of pants for this bucket list adventure. And maybe a bucket. The WCs can be hit or miss.
Your journey will be adventure packed, so we’ll kick the day off with a hearty breakfast. Make sure you finish everything — especially the uncooked cucumbers. If you see your fellow travelers sticking to the prepackaged foods unwashed by local water, swallow with a smug smile. Tourists. Not everyone can handle the authentic Egyptian experience. Whether you will — well, we’re about to find out! You’re not over the age of 80, are you?
First stop — the world-famous Pyramids of Giza, the last remaining Ancient Wonder of the World. Once filled with pharaohs and their royal treasures, they were marauded centuries ago. But don’t worry — you’re about to get your tombs raided! As the bacteria you consumed moments ago begins to chip away at the walls of your intestines and liquify your inmost treasures, you’ll feel just what it was like to stand like a helpless pyramid in the relentless desert sun!
While your eyes start searching for a WC, grab a selfie with the world-famous Sphinx. We’ll even have a funny American joke for you! A Sphinx-ter says, what? Because your sphincter will be saying something!
Don’t forget, Egypt is a desert. Be sure to enjoy complimentary mini-bottled water, carry a small hand fan, and enjoy the cold sweat suddenly erupting from every pore on your body! If you suspect it’s unnatural to feel a chill in 113º weather, trust your instincts! Especially the one screaming, “Let my people go!”
Rush back to the bus on the king’s business, where you’ll find a state-of-the-art, 100% authentic toilet. Feel just like a pharoah as you ascend our plastic throne struck by all ten plagues at once! Sure you’ve “Dropped the kids at the pool” before. But you’re about to embark on the experience we call, “Freeing the Israelites!”
Lay your sweaty head against the damp plastic siding and ponder your own history. When you swore to your high school boyfriend that, “Girls don’t poop. We have a bile in our uterus that breaks all the food down into pee,” and he believed you. But now you’re sharing a bus with sixty-seven brand new friends, trumpeting unequivocal evidence through paper thin walls that girls do poop and how! Because denial is not just a river in Egypt, it’s also running out of your butthole.
After you’ve emptied your underworld for now, it’s time to tour more of ours! Descend into the tomb of Egypt’s most popular Pharaoh Tutankhamun (Too-tan-Kaa-Muhn), or King Tut, made famous by legendary Egyptologist Steve Martin! Marvel at the mummified boy king who ruled practically in diapers, while you try to keep your jumpsuit from becoming diapers, thanks to the Tutankaman (Tootin-Comin’) from between your cheeks!
Next, it’s time to tour the resting place of Queen Nefertari. You’ll observe ancient hieroglyphic paintings until a royal Neferfart yanks you back into the present. There’s no way you’ll make it back to the bus in time, so beeline for your nearest WC. You’ll meet a bathroom attendant distributing toilet paper. She’ll ask, “Number one or two?” Reply, Number three.” She will hand you a toilet scroll of 100% authentic double-ply papyrus. You will need it.
Take a moment to admire yourself in the dusty mirror. Look past the sweaty, scary-pale skin and enjoy the concave state of your stomach. Celebrities have Ozempic. You’ve got the Pharaoh’s Revenge.
After you’ve finally unloaded your troubles, feel free to enjoy some time exploring on your own. Americans are famous for being giant walking assholes. Now you’ll really feel like one as you wander our markets and observe locals casually shopping beautiful displays of fruits and vegetables that would commence a series of solar flares throughout your intestines and literally kill you. Marvel at the little grandma just popping olives in her mouth like it’s nothing! What other toxins can those diesel innards take? Cobra venom? Cyanide? The Music of Ed Sheeran?!
Our tour ends with a sunset cruise down the Nile on a traditional Egyptian felucca! As the shoreline slips away, toast with complimentary prosecco while observing the lack of bathrooms. Should you need to drop anchor, just hang your back off the side and send little Moses, and what’s left of your dignity, down the river. Cheers!
