Humor
Kick-Start Your Panic With These Morning Hacks
Wake up, you’re behind schedule!
Good morning! Time to start worrying. You wasted the night sleeping when you should have been staying informed, creating content, making friends, getting in shape, cleaning the house, succeeding at work, improving your wardrobe, finding your soulmate, and crossing things off your to-do list, which grows longer every second you’re not panicking.
Do you feel like you’ve reached a stroke-inducing level of anxiety before you even started your day? Great! That’s the first step to supercharge your stress with these nerve-racking morning hacks.
Don’t sleep
Human beings can go three days without sleep before they experience paranoid hallucinations. Your best self will shine through as you lay awake in the early morning hours replaying every conversation you had the previous day, searching for slights you can exaggerate into seething grudges. When the paranoid hallucinations start, you’ll know you were right to distrust everyone around you.
Optimize your nightmares
Don’t waste time on vague or confusing nightmares. Train your subconscious to produce unambiguous visions of abject humiliation. Keep a “terror journal” to remember every embarrassment, maximizing your shame to last all day.
