Letter to a Tennessee Newborn
Dear Newest Resident of Tennessee,
First, let me tell you how fortunate you are to have been born in our great state.
Of course, you have a one-in-five chance of being born into poverty. And because we prohibit all abortion, your family may lack the resources to care for you adequately. But never fear! You can join the roughly 414,000 Tennessee children on food stamps.
As you grow, you can get an education at one of our public schools. Sure, only five states invest less in their students than we do. But we have no shortage of places where you can get a job without a high school diploma. We rank fifth in the number of fast-food restaurants per person!
Earning minimum wage at Chick-fil-A probably won’t cover your basic living expenses. Luckily, you can always deal drugs on the side. Tennessee has the 10th highest drug use in the United States. Think of all those customers!
Naturally, we also believe in being “Tough on Drugs.” To prove our commitment to ending the drug scourge, we have twice as many prisons as colleges. But when you’re arrested for possession and thrown in the can, you won’t have to worry about paying rent for a while.
Employers may be less likely to hire you with your criminal record. But who needs money, anyway? Just ask the homeless individuals who sleep in our public parks. Of course, Tennessee also recently enacted a law making it a felony to camp on public land. So it’s back to jail with you.
But is jail really so bad? I mean, think about it. Free medical, mental health, vision and dental care. That’s nothing to sneeze at in a state that ranks 9th in the percentage of uninsured residents! Especially if you’re obese, which 36.5 percent of our residents are.
If the aforementioned social supports don’t lead you to a life of fulfillment, suicide is always an option. We’ve made it extremely easy for you to obtain a firearm. No waiting period or permit necessary!
Lastly, you can take comfort in knowing that Tennessee is the third most religious state. So when you blow your brains out, we’ll pray for your soul.
The Government of Tennessee