Humor

Man Quits Job to Pursue Yelling at Neighbors on Facebook Full-Time

“I had all this pent-up ‘get off my lawn’ energy but nowhere to take it.”

Chelsea Resnick
Greener Pastures Magazine
3 min readMay 16, 2023

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Photo by Foto Sushi on Unsplash

John enjoyed his former full-time gig as Senior Sales Director at a banking software firm, but he always felt something lacking. “My wife said I would toss and turn in my sleep, screaming, ‘Pull your weeds!’ and ‘You kids quit loitering!’” At the recollections, he waggles his head and chuckles. “It’s not like the houses in my neighborhood have front porches. Most of my neighbors don’t stand around and talk after work. I had all this pent-up ‘get off my lawn’ energy but nowhere to take it.”

Soon John found his health in decline. His blood pressure soared. He developed hives and terrible midday headaches. He suffered from spasmodic urges to ask his wife to go outside and turn on the leaf blower, just so he could yell at her to TURN THAT THING OFF.

Then a cosmic event happened.

John discovered his neighborhood Facebook group.

“Before I found the page, I had no idea what literal disasters my neighbors are. Firstly, none of them can keep track of their pets. Everybody is losing and finding dogs left and right. Then, there are a bunch of needy parents asking each other for…

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Chelsea Resnick
Greener Pastures Magazine

Writer and editor based in Austin, TX. Fan of mint-chocolate chip. Aquarius to the bone. chelsearesnick.com