Humor
Modern Myths: The Dragon That Went Gluten-Free
… and eco-friendly
George the dragon couldn’t stay silent any longer. “So, what do you think, sir?”
The Elder threw him a dirty look. Elders hated to be interrupted when they are thinking about a diagnosis.
“Have you been more active than usual?” asked the old dragon.
George was dreading the question, and couldn’t bring himself to answer immediately.
The Elder gave an impatient sigh; he sensed the other’s reticence.
“When I say more active I mean over and above the usual incinerations, such as setting human villages ablaze and terrorizing heroes?”
George would have turned red had crimson not been his natural color. He decided it was time to fess up.
“Yes.”
“I thought as much. I need details,” snapped the Elder.
The younger dragon explained how he had given up eating humans because they gave him stomach pains. After doing some research, George concluded that he had developed a gluten allergy. Humans are high in gluten content, particularly the plump ones.
George now ate mostly berries, nuts, grasses, tree bark, and other vegetable matter he found in the forest. Sometimes he helped himself to a field of corn or even spinach. The Elder winced.
“I cook the stuff with my fiery breath first to make it edible. That’s why I’ve been breathing fire a lot more than usual,” said George miserably.
The Elder nodded. “I see.”
A few days previous George’s fire went out. No matter how much he huffed and puffed he could not create so much as a spark. The only thing that came out of the dragon’s mouth was a wisp of gray smoke. That was when he requested a visit from an Elder dragon to find out what was wrong.
The old sage took a second look down George’s throat.
“Your internal furnace is clogged up due to overuse,” said the Elder at last.
“Can the problem be fixed?”
“Yes. We can have your tubes cleaned but it will only be a matter of time before they clog up again if you persist with this strange diet.”
“I have no choice,” said George, on the edge of panic.
The Elder nodded thoughtfully.
“Normally, dragon fire comes from the combustion of natural oils in the gut. It is oil-fired. But we could convert you to gas.”
The idea took George by surprise and he struggled to think it through. The Elder paused while his puzzled patient grappled with the concept of gas-fired dragon breath.
“It’s a fairly straightforward procedure,” said the Elder encouragingly. “Instead of fueling your fire with body oils, it is fueled by the gases that you produce when you digest your food. And since you’re eating so much fiber, you have plenty of gas to spare.”
As the idea took hold George became enthusiastic about the cure. He had read somewhere that gas-fired dragons are more environmentally friendly than traditional oil-fueled beasts, yet their fiery breath is just as hot.
“It’s a brilliant idea, sir!” effused George.
George’s gas-fired breath was a huge success. Word of the eco-dragon that ate a low-gluten, non-human diet spread far and wide. George became a celebrity. He wrote a wildly popular cookbook for monsters, advised famous dragons on their lifestyles, and his autobiography The Red Dragon Who Turned Green was a best seller.
K. B. Cottrill writes fiction, non-fiction, and things in-between. Ken@cottrillcom.com
