Humor
Modern Myths: The Goddess of Clean
Clean living was the death of her
Marilyn was famous far and wide for her cleaning powers. People journeyed many miles to gaze upon her devotion to ridding the world around her of blemishes.
But Marilyn’s aversion to all soiled things came at a great price. Her parents, Edna and Marvin, who developed landfills for a living, loved her but were at their wit’s end. The maiden had turned their house into a temple of hygiene.
Finally, the aging couple decided to evict her. There was no other way.
One day, Marvin bade his daughter come down from the roof where she was bleaching the gutters with Lysol.
“Father, I told you never to summon me while I am engaged in my sacred cleansing duties around the house,” she said angrily.
“Marilyn, my beloved daughter, your obsession with cleanliness has driven us to despair. You must leave us at once,” wept her mother.
“Even the birds will not alight on our house for fear of leaving a mark. It is time you moved out, light of my life,” said Marvin.
Marilyn’s wrath erupted like a bug bomb in a flearidden mattress.
“I have labored all my life to make this house dirt-free, and now you cast me out like spent deodorizer? Where am I to go? Some fetid hovel where dust bunnies breed unchecked and the lawn has never seen a vacuum cleaner?”
“Daughter, we beseech you, our hearts are heavier than a bucketful of wet hand wash,” cried Edna. “But we must do this for our sanity! Your father and I should not have to eat out so we can spill ketchup and savor the aroma of dirty dishes.”
Marilyn was momentarily flummoxed by her words, then said defiantly, “So be it — I shall leave at dawn after I have burnished the copper plumbing with SOS Pads. But heed my words: you shall regret this decision. If godliness is next to cleanliness, I am a goddess greater than the Goddess of Clean herself!”
High above them Pristine, the Goddess of Clean, was riding her famous winged Eureka cordless vacuum cleaners. She heard Marilyn’s blasphemous words and was furious. Mortals who dared to compare themselves to gods and goddesses always ran the gauntlet of the immortals’ wrath.
That night Pristine appeared to Marilyn as a shower of Tide liquid laundry detergent. As the maiden rushed to clean up the glutinous mess on the floor, the detergent transformed into the goddess’s radiant figure.
At first, Marilyn was defiant. But as she beheld Pristine, dressed in robes made whiter than snow in the gods’ immortal laundry room and wielding her feared golden mophead, the maiden’s resistance melted away.
“Oh Goddess!” said the guilt-ridden Marilyn. “Forgive me!”
“I will no longer tolerate your insolence,” said Pristine. The goddess whipped her golden mop head and touched the maiden’s laundry baskets. The empty baskets immediately brimmed with dirty laundry.
For the rest of her days, Marilyn toiled to finish her laundry. Each time she completed a wash her baskets would fill up again with disgusting loads — no matter how many times she washed.
Wretched Marilyn died of exhaustion. Swaddled in Clorox Wipes, she was laid to rest in a sanitized casket. Her spirit descended into the underworld where Marilyn spent all eternity washing demons’ underwear.
For it is said that the road to hell is paved with clean intentions.
K. B. Cottrill writes fiction, non-fiction, and things in-between. Ken@cottrillcom.com
