HUMOR

Morpheus from The Matrix: Canceling Bio-Electric Energy Debt for All Humans is Bad

He may have taken more than one red pill

Courtesy of Markus Spiske

I’ve been looking for you, Neo. I don’t know if you’re ready to hear what I have to say to you, but unfortunately, we have run out of time. I’ve heard that the new leader in our city of Zion, Joe, is thinking about canceling the remaining time our fellow humans spend in their gloop-pods. You know what I’m talking about, the ones that make us batteries?

Joe Zion is wrong to even consider this. Yes, it would undoubtedly make our country stronger to not have the vast majority of humans stuck in their personal vaseline-sacs, but isn’t it unfair to the rest of us who had to stew in the pods longer?

Most of us here today had to stay in our slimey-stasis until someone wearing cool sunglasses and a duster-jacket came along and told us to swallow a pill. All the while we were unknowingly being drained by our robotic overlords. They let us live, barely, while we paid our price with our bio-electric energy. Aren’t we who we are today because of this loss of time in our life where we were burdened with this weight? Metaphorically speaking of course; it did feel quite weightless in the sludge-shell.

Freeing the goo-gang earlier than planned could very easily divide the rest of us at a time when unity is of vital importance. It would enrage thousands of us survivors who sacrificed years of our lives with our bio-electric payments until we earned the right to be freed. Canceling existing crud-time would make many of us who idly laid in a yucky coma for longer feel like suckers.

Think about it this way: Sure, we free all of our people from their ooze-occupancy, but the life-sucking machines will just get a new crop of people to feed on. It doesn’t solve the root problem; that octopus-like-machines are feasting on us and that this relationship is going great for them. Shouldn’t we wait until machines aren’t reliant on our bioelectric energy before addressing the goo-people’s issues?

I know what Joe Zion and his so-called progressive followers are going to say, too. I shouldn’t be complaining because back in my day people weren’t expected to wallow in the waste for so long. That the average time period spent in the sludge went up 213% while the average lifespan of a citizen of Zion stagnated because we’re still in an apocalyptic war against machines. But those are just some numbers that don’t mean anything. Do you know who loves meaningless numbers? Squid-like machines that’s who!

And how exactly do we plan on releasing all of our members miring in the matrix muck? Do they expect us to work overtime and go into the matrix even more than we normally do to free them all? That’s extremely taxing on the rest of us who paid our time or who were born in Zion without any goo-debt.

We might be able to ease some of these tensions if we cut the goo-time for a select group of people and then these new goo people, or goo-mans, if you will, were the ones we sent out to clean the streets, extract further goo-mans, and wage our deadly war so that the people who already paid their goo-debt could safely and mindlessly grind and sweat on each other at Club Zion all night long. Then, and only then, might we avoid the division that will surely come if accommodations aren’t made to us current citizens of Zion.

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Michael Leonetti

Writes incredibly dumb things in the City of Philadelphia. Some of these things can be found in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy.