Moshe, the Jewish Elf
Would you mind if I told you about Chanukkah, please?
Hello, my name is Moshe, and I’ve schlepped all the way down here from the North Pole to tell you about an apparently little-known holiday called Chanukkah.
Didn’t know there were Jewish elves? I, like so many of my human counterparts, have spent many a formative year explaining to my tiny peers that no, I don’t celebrate Christmas, and no, my elf hat isn’t there to hide my horns. (Also, Timothy, I’d say your ears outpace the size of my nose any day.)
If you don’t mind, I’d like to share a few of my favorite aspects of the Festival of Lights. (FYI: On the North Pole, we don’t have access to Chinese food or movie theaters.)
Christmas cookies are cool and all, but have you ever had Gefilte fish on top of a crispy latke and tossed it back with a tasty glass of Manischewitz? And caroling sure seems fun, but you haven’t experienced the holiday season until you’ve seen me bring down the house at North Pole Karaoke Night with my soulful rendition of “Rock of Ages.” I also do a mean “Hatikvah.” Move over, Mariah!
No? That’s okay. I’ll just go in the corner and work on a kippah for Young Noah Goldman. All he wants for Chanukkah is something to wear to his bar mitzvah in four years, right?
Wrong! Here’s another fact: Jewish girls and boys like toys, too. And real toys. Contrary to popular belief, they don’t just sit around spinning dreidels all day. I mean, spinning tops are fun and all — plus, they teach you how to gamble like a pro or Great Aunt Ethel at Foxwoods on a Tuesday from a young age — but we also like, you know, Harry Potter games and Nintendos.
Sorry to bother you with my kvetching. I’ll just go light the menorah now.
Oy vey! You should also know that, contrary to popular belief, members of the tribe aren’t all pyromaniacs. (I mean, probably some of us are.) But need I remind you that the oil lasted eight days, and that’s what I can a friggin miracle.
Also, if we’re being technical, it’s actually called a Chanukkiah.
Still haven’t convinced you? Well, just wait until Purim, then, when we really ham it up.
L’chaim, y’all! I forgot to take my Lactaid pill before eating a triple-decker lox bagel, so I’m outie.