Humor
My Elaborate Funeral Plans Are Not That Elaborate
Off I go… enjoy the spectacle!
Dear Children,
I’m writing this today to assure you that my elaborate, expensive, and inheritance-depleting funeral plans detailed in my will are not to be taken as an affront to you as individuals. I know you may be tempted to think it is your fault that I’ve decided to blow eighty million dollars on a Saturn V rocket and dueling magicians, but rest assured, you and your behavior over the years have got nothing to do with my costly designs.
Some of my requests may seem excessive, even strange, and I admit they might be. But it’s my funeral, and it’s also my money. Just know there’s nothing you could have done differently to stop me from spending what’s left of my considerable fortune on my once-in-a-lifetime departure from this planet. Here are just a few highlights to expect from the three-day event dedicated to my passing.
1. A full-scale reproduction of Humpty Dumpty
You all hated when I read Humpty Dumpty to you as kids, in spite of the fact that it was the only book we could afford at the time. Your mother and I both worked full-time to make ends meet. Due to your little sister’s medical bills and several unfortunate economic downturns, your childhood was bereft of a variety of entertainments. I believe the full-length Humpy Dumpty theatrical play will rectify your Oliver Twist-like childhoods. A six-foot-tall egg shell grown in a billion-dollar lab is fifteen years in the making. A fully masoned twenty-meter high stone wall and actual Clydesdales carrying all the king’s men are just the cherries on top of the premier production. On a side note: in lieu of actual kingsmen, we have hired our neighbors, the Kings (the ones who used to babysit you), to play the parts of putting Humpty Dumpty back together. Humpy Dumpty himself has yet to be cast.
2. The dueling magicians have agreed to raise the stakes
One of the magicians has agreed to die. In order to secure this high-stakes show, I’ve negotiated a compensation plan for his family that will secure their financial stability for generations. I don’t want you to be jealous. It’s just a life-changing amount of money going to complete strangers.
The losing magician will be lowered down into the ground alongside me. If anyone had wished to be buried in the prestigious graveyard, that is no longer a possibility, as I’ve purchased the rest of the plots and have decided to leave them empty. You will be responsible for finding your own resting places, as heaven knows your mother and I had no rest while raising you.
3. I’ve hired Jerry Media to produce a documentary for no small fee
The crew responsible for the hit film “Fyre” will be responsible for creating an eight-part series about the aftermath of my funeral. They will capture footage of people leaving, the groundskeeper cleaning up, and cars sadly pulling away. If they have time, they may log B-roll of the sunset. I’ll leave the specifics up to them. If this seems like a waste of time and resources, just recall the amount of my time you wasted over the years persistently enquiring about your inheritance. Not that that had any sway in my plans lain here.
4. There will be a live baby
I have secured a live baby to be present at the events. How and when, and why I’ve procured a baby will be left up to your interpretation. Perhaps it was just a reminder of the circle of life. Or perhaps it’s to prove that any random baby is better behaved than any of you lot. On a side note: of all of these expenditures, this happened to be the cheapest!
5. Contrary to your beliefs, the presence of a rented Saturn V rocket is a necessity
The three-stage rocket will not be used to fire my remains off into space like I’m some sort of wacky space monger trying to secure his legacy in the history books. It’s a rental. Purely decoration. For a modest sum, you will be allowed to take photos near it. As far as the price tag is concerned, you were never going to get that money anyway — not after you made my eighth wife, Babette, cry.
A few parting notes:
There will be snacks at the wake: graham crackers, peanuts (unshelled), and saltwater. You may purchase popcorn at the funeral home for six dollars a kernel. Beer is on the house. Quite literally, it will be on top of the funeral home. It will not be possible to get up there, however.
Finally, I leave with you not fleeting fiat but memories. Experiences. These are the important things in life. Few of you will ever have the chance to witness two magicians duel to the death. I’m giving you that. And I’m asking nothing in return. Your student loans will come and go (I believe that’s how loans work), but witnessing a Saturn V rocket up close is simply unforgettable. Sayonara suckers.
