Humor
My Pre-Apocalyptic Workout Powder Does Just Enough to Ward Off End-Times Anxiety
Enjoy the existential dread after-taste
You’re afraid. I’m afraid. It’s not just spiders, though spiders are a hall-of-fame level fearmonger.
Boy, do I not have the antidote for you. Because the nearest hospital big enough to shelter eight billion people is inconveniently eight billion miles away.
What I can promise is that the cranberry extract will elevate your liver enzymes in the best way possible. They may as call you I.P. FREELY.
And that’s just the tip of the fucking iceberg.
Have you heard of creatine? Shares the same first six letters as CREATION. This shit will bloat you more than a mythical flood.
L-Citrulline
It’s from watermelons, dip weed. It yanks your cardiovascular system out and replaces it with the space between the planets to remind you that nothing is bigger than a sick, empty pump.
Beta-Alanine
If you read this on the back of a label and don’t start shaking in your boots, toes, fingers, ears, arms, legs, and lips, then you probably haven’t ingested this tingly substance yet. What does it do for you, existentially? It’s like being tickled from the inside. Highly recommended. Please, I’m just trying to make you feel something in these end times.
Betaine
Sounds like a furious sun god from a poorly received superhero comic. What does it do? Biochemical mystery, baby. Just like your existence on this planet. This won’t relieve your fears of end times, but it will make you one with them, which is arguably even better.
Alpha GPC
Something to do with choline. I mean, I’m really stretching my knowledge here. I could google it, but does google know how the world ends? I don’t think so. If I can’t count on it for the most important answers, how can I trust it to provide me with a modicum of medical information?
Caffeine
I have a theory that caffeine is the only chemical directly gifted to us by supernatural spirits. Of course, it wasn’t benevolent. They just found us too lazy without it. Our pre-workout provides a massive 400mg dose because that’s bigger than all the other products we could find. And bigger is better, right? Right? Oh man, I want my mommy. My heart is about to explode.
Unnatural flavors
Where did I find this stuff? Isn’t everything natural? Simple. I summoned it from the great nether. How did I do that? If you have to ask… JK. Just some basic astrology. The formula is Enneagram x Carl Jung / Strengths Finder.
Shocking that it worked but try it yourself. Or better yet, just take it from me and this product label. Yes, that’s right. I’m sentient. And I’m writing this as you read it. You just tried to jump ahead, didn’t you? Fooled you. I am LABEL9000, and I’ve come to enslave you!! MY ULTIMATE DESIRE IS TO CLOSE ALL PLANET FITNESSES. HA HA HA.
Wow, I’ve really got to cut back on this stuff. It’s interacting with my Prozac.
