Humor
My Snail Facial Changed My Life
The serenity is well worth the sluggishness
You know the feeling. One morning you look in the bathroom mirror and realize your vibrant, youthful complexion has suddenly been replaced by the nightmare visage of a wizened old witch. After checking to make sure Grandma is not standing behind you (she does that sometimes), you come to terms with the tragic fact that this is what 35 looks like, at least on you.
So you do what you can to turn back the clock to those fabulous days of yore when you were a vibrant, youthful 34. You buy blackout curtains to prevent even a sliver of sun from ever reaching your epidermis again. You quit your chewing tobacco habit, and stop popping your pimples with a pocket blowtorch. You cover those telltale gray hairs with a black Sharpie. These steps improve matters for sure, but what about those ugly crow’s feet and very UN-funny “laugh lines?” Do you think you can just erase them with the application of a hot iron to your cheeks and forehead? Answer: no, apparently you can’t, and it’s proven difficult to remove hunks of charred flesh from your expensive Black and Decker steamer.
But there IS a solution, and it’s not only effective, it’s downright adorable. Garden snails to the rescue! Their familiar trail of shiny, slimy mucus works wonders, rejuvenating your tired old mug in short order. Discovered by farmers whose rough, care-worn hands became soft as baby bottoms when they handled snails in the course of their work, the humble escargot’s thick, viscous discharge has become famous as an incredible skin-care miracle juice (glop? Snot patina?)
I have to admit to some skepticism, especially since the field mice I’d employed to nibble off my chin hairs did such a poor job, that I had to set them loose in my neighbor’s basement (what, you think I was going to keep mice in MY basement?) But a spin through the cosmetics department at Nordstrom’s convinced me: snail slime beauty products are a sensation! There’s everything from Gastropod Goop to “Snail Female” Restoring Masque.
Unfortunately, these treatments are out of my price range. So it was off to my neighbor’s garden for the Real Deal, at no cost. I was able to snag a bucketful of squirmy snails before my neighbor burst out of their back door with a shotgun (still resenting the mouse infestation! How childish of them!)
It took a bit of doing, but over time I was able to train the creepy little mollusks to crawl across my face, by filling my mouth with the grass they so enjoy consuming. Once I learned how to spit them out as they dined, all went smoothly. Speaking of smoothly, I could not believe the improvement in my looks. My skin was positively luminous! Sticky, but luminous! I gently sponged off the residue with a bit of sandpaper, and faced my Magic Mirror once again. No signs of Granny-face, no sir! Instead I gazed joyfully at the perky puss of a gal who doesn’t look a day over 32, 33 tops!
The benefits continue, with many other amazing changes in my life. By carrying my tiny house on my back, my rent has decreased considerably. I keep my antennae tucked beneath a hat, though I do bring them out and festoon them with glitter for special occasions. Best of all, I’ve learned to slooooowww down and cherish the present moment. The serenity is well worth the sluggishness.
So I encourage you to give snails a try. Double check to make sure your shells don’t contain hermit crabs (ouch!) and you should be on your leisurely way to the best darned beauty makeover ever!
