Humor
My Wedding Vows (Taylor’s Version)
I don’t know why but Taylor Swift re-recorded my vows and now she owns the rights.
By Walt Braley & Reise Kitts
I am in urgent need of advice. As my wife and I were returning from our honeymoon, we were shocked to hear that Taylor Swift re-recorded our wedding vows, and now owns the rights to our most sacred promises we’ve made to each other.
I don’t understand. She doesn’t know us and they are ultra-specific. She has been on a recent mission of re-recording her albums to take ownership of them, but why in the midst of that would she want my wife and I’s most intimate whispers of adoration? I completely get why she would want the royalties to Shake it Off, but I am befuddled that she wants the copyright to the pledge I made to my wife to always put the toothpaste cap back on. That was an inside joke! She doesn’t even get it!
It is now negatively impacting our marriage. The Swifties have been harassing me and empowering my wife online, in person, and scariest of all, by mail. How do they have my address and how do tweens know how mail works? It’s terrifying opening packages because it seems like the ones addressed to my wife are friendship bracelets and every one addressed to me is a baby picture of me with my eyes crossed out. These are all originals, did they go to my parents’ house?
Not to mention how hurtful it is to hear that her version already has 120 million listens in its first week, breaking the all-time streaming record. The one I posted on Facebook after the wedding only got 500 views and 34 likes, mostly from family members and my ex who I believe liked it out of spite. This means at least a million people (I’m assuming some listened multiple times) heard Taylor recreate the embarrassing moment when I misread what I wrote on my hand and accidentally said “holy mattress homie instead” of matrimony. It could happen to literally anyone who struggles with sweaty palms, an issue I don’t hear Taylor speaking out about.
Then, the video she recorded has tons of Easter eggs that pertain to specific moments in my life. Where is she getting her information from and how have fans already found all of them? Even my wife didn’t know some of that stuff. My wife was ecstatic to find out that Taylor got Ayo Edebiri to play her, but I gotta say I was far less excited when she told me I’m played by Rob Schneider. I’m 27. I look and sound nothing like him and now people think that’s a voice I feel comfortable doing. They think I did that accent during our vows, which they’d know I didn’t if they’d watched MY ORIGINAL VIDEO!
Please help, I’ve reached out to Taylor’s management multiple times but have been told that she’s far too busy to talk to me. They informed me that she’s currently knee-deep in re-recording the Burger King Whopper song so she can “get a little kickback,”, so any chats with me will have to wait.
