New Classes to Prepare You for the Future Dystopian Hellscape Job Market

Everyone can be an above-average earner (if they survive the fall)

Photo by Jeff Sheldon on Unsplash

Tired of pricey courses that will only prepare you for a few months of gainful employment before society’s inevitable collapse? Well, you’re in luck (except insofar as that society is collapsing)! We have a set of new, forward-looking job training courses, guaranteed to pay off in the bleak years to come. Which career of the future is right for you?

• Arms manufacturing. When things fall apart, people will need to kill something, be it zombies, marauders, or just the annoying people that they would have killed before if they weren’t constrained by laws. People who know how to make guns and bombs will make a fortune after the apocalypse (and, you know, while causing it).
• Funeral services. Granted, in the coming age when you can dispose of bodies by simply dumping them in the rivers of toxic slurry that will crisscross the countryside and depopulated ruins of cities alike, there won’t be a whole lot of technical knowledge needed to be a mortician. But figuring out how to guilt people in an everyone-for-themselves, kill-or-be-killed free-for-all into paying good money to dispose of unloved ones that they could roll into slurry themselves? That requires training.
• Marauding. Building something new after the fall won’t be easy, so you would do better to learn how to just take things from others. Plus, marauders will both need weapons and produce corpses, keeping the other facets of the economy going — what could be more fulfilling than a career that provides jobs to others and provides others’ goods to yourself?
• Investment banking. I’m not quite clear on why investment bankers will be needed after the apocalypse, but then I’m not quite clear on why they’re needed now. Regardless, they suck a lot of money out of other people’s pockets, and that should just get easier when those pockets are withered by radiation.
• Ditch digging. It may not be glamorous now, but when humanity is plagued by toxic floods, AI-controlled killbots, and unrelenting heat, those who know how to dig out top-notch trenches, foxholes, and in-ground toxic swimming pools will be rolling in money (then promptly burying it).
• Post-apocalyptic fashion design. When there’s a high probability that the clothes on your back are the ones you’ll be caught dead in, you’ll obviously want them to be stylish. Once our remaining natural resources are drained by pre-apocalyptic fashion design, though, making new clothes from the debris at hand will take true ingenuity. From charred-carpet sweaters to cockroach-shell necklaces to radioactive light-up shoes, we’ll show you how to put together a truly killer outfit.
• Human resources. From bone tools to stomach-acid nail polish remover, all sorts of useful products can be fashioned from the resources inside a human body. We can teach you not only how to scrap a corpse for parts, but also which of your own organs can be safely removed and used in a pinch.
• Pet insurance sales. The last thing anyone wants to deal with when fighting for survival in a barren wasteland is an unexpectedly high bill for antidepressants to take the edge off their cat’s post-apocalyptic ennui. With a little training in how to tap into people’s desperate need to feel any kind of security in a relentlessly perilous world, you can unburden people’s minds and wallets alike.