Humor
Oh, Suddenly It’s Not Cool to Have a Lemonade Stand?
This is a legitimate profession
Like many kids with no friends, I spent my summers swindling charitable adults into dropping cash on lemonade with way too much ice. This business plan served me well for many years, and by twelve I was rolling in cash. Now I’m 34 and money is tight, so naturally I decided to revisit my old hustle.
I started by making improvements to my original menu. I now supply pink lemonade as well as the yellow kind, traded out boring red solo cups for the classy clear ones, and doubled the size of the ice cubes. I was worried some of the amateur stands on the block would be competition, but thankfully the kids running them were dumb, and a few strategic buyouts put me on top of the game.
When it comes to the perfect stand, I have everything an experienced lemonade peddler needs: a broken folding chair that’s too low to the ground, a tip jar that used to be a 35 oz cheese ball container, and a table cloth so long it creates a 2 foot parameter around a shaky table that just barely fits my all stuff. I also made a glittery banner to catch the attention of passerby’s. Time to rake in the profits.
It’s been hours and I haven’t snagged a single customer. People slow their cars down only to give me puzzled looks and then speed off. They don’t stop even when I chase after them yelling that I’m having a sale. Why is there suddenly such an aversion to lemonade with way too much ice? Is it my stand? My glittery banner? The fact that it’s pouring raining outside? I just don’t know.
I decided to rethink my sales tactics. I put on a giant lemon costume and learned to sign dance. No customers. I drew flyers with crayon and threw them off a roof into the wind to disperse around the city. Nothing. I even set up traffic cones along the street to direct cars straight to my stand. Still no buyers.
I’ve come to the disappointing conclusion that the lemonade market is not what it used to be. A less experienced salesperson might be discouraged, but I’m not worried. I’ve decided to move on to tried and true plan B: selling girl scout cookies door-to-door.
