Humor

Only Real (Suspicious) Gentlemen Only Drink Spritzers

The Naked Assassin — Part 4

When I got to Jeff Frost’s office, some Neanderthal was at the door. I decided to play it cool.

“Hi, I’m here to see Jeff.”

Amazingly, the Neanderthal let me right in, and brought me to Frost.

The office was impressive. Clean angles. Lots of light. Cool looking globe. I made a mental note to get a globe for my office. Also, maybe a new lamp.

Frost was sitting at his desk. A dapper man. Well dressed. Maybe a little too well dressed, like he was showing off. Who wears two cravats and a bow tie? Plus he kept offering me a Spritzer.

“Mr. Frost, I’m Children Thomas.”

“Yes, I was expecting you. Can I get you a drink? A Spritzer, perhaps.”

“No, I’m fine. You were expecting me?

Frost took a sip of Spritzer.

“Yes, you’re with the police, right? I don’t have anything more to say than what I told your men yesterday. I was with Mr. Ganoosh the night he was murdered. We had drinks. Did a little business, and I left at 8:00. You sure I can’t offer you a Spritzer, or perhaps a Mojito or a Gin Fizz? They are very good.”

“No, I’m fine.”

“You sure? A Negroni, a Paloma, a Pisco Sour? You are really missing out.”

“No, thanks.”

“A Gimlet, perhaps? Although I have to say, a Spritzer really is the drink for today.”

I let Frost know that I was serious and fixed him with a look like a librarian at a pep rally.

“No. Nothing for me. And by the way, I’m not with the police. I’m a private eye.”

“Oh, you are working for the wife? Listen, I didn’t have anything to do with all those jewels Mr. Ganoosh took. My days of cat burglary are long gone, I assure you. . . and I really can’t believe that you are turning down a Spritzer.”

Jewels he took? Cat burglary? What was this about? And why does he keep pushing Spritzers? This case was starting to have more twists than a licorice vendor at a dance recital.

“Look, I’m not working for the wife. I’m not here about any jewels. I’m just looking for photos.”

I waved the Bar Mitzvah card at him.

“Does this look familiar?”

Frost took a big gulp of Spritzer, and shook his head.

“That is sooooo refreshing. I can’t believe you won’t have one. But, ah, no, that card does not look familiar.”

“Well, I was just over at Mantuno’s and when I asked about this card, she seemed to get very upset and started talking about you. Any idea why?”

“No, I don’t have any idea. I don’t even know a Mantuno. Do you mean the one who owns that ridiculous card store? No, I, um, don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know anything.”

Seemed like he knew something. I tried a new approach.

“O.K., you don’t know…Could I still get a Spritzer? Those look pretty good.”

Frost’s face lit up like a ping pong ball under a blowtorch. He ran a little bell on his desk and the Neanderthal appeared with an ice cold Spritzer. He was right. It was good.

“You’re right. That is a lovely drink. But look, I’m just doing a job. I gotta find out who sent this card. Is there anything you can tell me?”

Frost fixed me with a look like a diamond cutter suppressing a cough.

“You like the Spritzer, so you seem like a gentleman. I don’t know anything about that card. But. . .and I wouldn’t tell this to the police. . .but I heard that Mr. Ganoosh owed some money, so he arranged for his mistress to steal some jewels from his wife. But the mistress took off with the jewels, and they sent the Naked Assassin to take care of him. That’s all I know. And if your card has anything to do with any of that, you’d be best to stay out of it.”

I thanked Frost for his time, and the drink. It was delightful, but I had a job to do. I headed back to Mantuno’s, and this time I wasn’t leaving without some answers.

[to be continued…]