Humor
Open Letter to Everyone Working From Home But Really Just Running Errands
We’ve gotten a little bit too comfortable and it’s time we dial it back a scooch
Hey there!
I hate to interrupt your busy schedule of bootscootin’ around your town’s shopping center but I think we need to address your feral need to run errands during the work day. I know how it goes. You tell yourself that you’re strengthening our ever-crumbling economy by scooping up all the Rae Dunn mugs the second they hit the floor in this suburban T.J. Maxx on a Wednesday. I’ve told myself the same thing. We’re just doing our part! Unfortunately, you’ve gotta slow your roll. These aisles ain’t big enough for all of us remote workers to be moseying around during business hours and I think it’s time you holster those reusable shopping bags and head on back to your home office, partner. We have a good thing going here and I’d hate to see it get ruined just because you’re getting more brazen with your midday mall marathons.
Look, I don’t want to have to narc on you to HR about your work day extracurriculars, which as we both know would blow this “work from home, more like shop til you drop” sting operation we’ve all had going for three years wide open. The consequence of that would be all of us getting called back into the office full-time again and I can’t afford to have my boss realize there’s no justification for my job. No, I mean I literally can’t afford it, my credit cards now cower in my wallet when I reach for them. Inflation plus not being chained to a desk for forty hours a week? Woo baby, have I been spendin’. And I know you have too because I can’t find a parking spot at Trader Joe’s on a Monday morning when I’m just trying to load up on more Butternut Squash Mac & Cheese. Which is why we need to go back to keeping a low profile, like we did in the early days, when we requested PTO just to walk the dog.
So, here’s my idea to save my — sorry, I mean OUR — jobs that allow us to do whatever we want and still collect a thicc bi-weekly paycheck. Remember how back in the old days we had to coordinate time slots for the conference room? What if we apply that ancient scheduling tactic of yesteryear to our errands?! I’ll make a shared Google cal and we can all just slide our plans right in. For example, say I wanted to glide a cart through Hobby Lobby, reading every piece of bible verse-heavy wall decor they sell, I’d simply block that three-hour time slot preventing everyone else from double booking that Thursday afternoon at the HobLob on Rte 33. Simple, right? If we all schedule our errands by shopping plaza, we can keep the crowd to a minimum so as not to draw any more attention to our daily routine of juggling a Zoom call and our deepest desire to spend money on things we don’t need.
Sure, I can see how this could be tedious, but it’ll be worth it to preserve this sweet, sweet deal we have. We can’t get caught now! If we do, we risk losing the luxury of collecting a full salary with benefits as we sip a Starbucks cold brew and lazily browse Bullseye’s playground for the latest seasonal deals. Because that’s what this country was built on, right? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of buying ourselves a lil treat with Kohl’s Cash while we “keep an eye on our email.” So, let’s try to stay under the radar, folks. In the words of one of New York City’s great philosophers (and fellow shopaholic) Countess Luann, “Be cool. Don’t be, like, all uncool.”
Anyway, I gotta run, I have a two o’clock with Bath & Body Works to sniff some three-wick candles. They’re having a sale — it’s on the calendar. Don’t forget to add your errands in so we can all go back to delighting in a low-key paid store saunter the way God, but probably not upper management, intended.
Warm Regards,
A Fellow Boundary-Pushing Employee Who Enjoys (and Demands) To Earn A Salary While She Shops
