Humor
Operation Warp Speed for Cleaning My Room
It’s only messy because of other people
I’d first like to take some time to address the very valid concerns of the fellow inhabitants of this house. I’ve heard some concerned voices asserting that the mismanagement of my room has led to a level of mess never seen before, but I’d like to categorically dismiss these assertions. In fact, the opposite is true, Mom.
I, more than anyone else in this household, wish to return to a new level of neatness. Believe me, I want to open up my room more than anyone else, and a floor covered in empty chip bags and hair balls can be dealt with safely. This isn’t without scientific backing — evidence suggests that the elderly are far more prone to tripping over the half-assembled ikea drawer or tipping the open soda cans over.
Also, Mom, It’s far neater than it would be if you were in charge of my room. First, you were telling me to keep my drawers closed and now you’re begging me to open them up and put away the pile of clothing on my floor? It’s only messy in the first place because you took the laundry, washed it, and returned it to me folded. My hand was forced — I had to dump it in a pile on my floor because we were learning back then.
But I care about the people in this household, even though people like you, Mom, want to make this a personal issue. That’s why I’m proposing operation warp speed for cleaning my room. Experts say that it won’t be clean before grandma visits unless I get off my ass, but that’s really mean and I’d like it if you stop talking to me that way. I deeply care about making the house presentable for the large number of people that want to visit me in my very desirable room.
So Mom, I’d love it if you could leave me be now because I need to shove a bunch of clothes in my closet and pretend like that counts.
