Humor
Our Cult-Religious Science Is Not to Blame for Our Extinction
A Keynote Address to the Foundation for New Sciences explaining why it’s YOUR fault
Good evening fellow scientists, honored guests, and esteemed colleagues of the Foundation for New Sciences:
We were very excited to present at this year’s event, and to address the criticism we’ve received about the writings of “Dennis,” our founder and Supreme Conduit for the greatest mind in the galaxy: Deflan the Beguiler from the planet of Grolm.
With that, let’s clear up some misconceptions you may have been hearing.
First of all, the particle cannons we shot towards the Earth’s ozone shouldn’t have seemed that loud. That wasn’t our fault.
We had been working with Teaching №73: Noise is really just “misunderstood silence.”
As Dennis explains: “When confronted by the LOUD, recognize that it is actually soft. Say to yourself, ‘that’s not so loud,’ and if you truly accept the wisdom of Deflan, you will find the whole thing to be pretty O.K.”
As such, you should all have been able to withstand the aural assault of the particle cannons. For those of you still experiencing any of the “horrible and incessant ringing,” again that was not our fault, and you need to trust Deflan.
Next, the explosion that destroyed the Earth! Also not our fault.
We had no reason to believe that the particle cannons would explode like that.
I assure you that we were well versed in Teaching №1487: “Particles and the things that make other things explode,” and we really didn’t see a problem.
Quite frankly, Dennis never brought it up, so it literally wasn’t even on our radar screen. As Dennis wrote in Teaching №157: “If I didn’t mention it, it probably doesn’t matter.”
You all needed to believe in Deflan, and you failed. Not our fault.
So, as we hurtle through space in this surprisingly resilient conference room, I can’t stress strongly enough the importance of accepting the existence of Deflan, so that he might be inclined to assist us before crash into the Sun.
Again, we have provided the science. Now, it’s up to you.
We thank you for the opportunity to present our work, and again we note that none of this is our fault.
