HUMOR
Our Employee Survey Reported Low Trust in Leadership, so I’m Hosting a Series of Very Fun Meetings!
My core leadership value is F-U-
‘Sup staff! For those who don’t recognize me, I’m your CEO, but please, call me Brad ‘cause “formalities” aren’t my thing.
Though, being called Chief would be pretty cool, except our Diversity, Equity & Inclusion team “strongly discouraged” me from wearing my Native American headdress ever again. Which was super insensitive of them ‘cause my great-great grandmother was indigenous, or maybe she was just really tan. Point is, I should be able to wear my headdress without having my racial identity scrutinized, but I’m a diplomatic guy, so waving this big stick around is good enough [big stick emerges from behind podium].
That being said, WELCOME TO THE FIRST OF MANY VERY FUN WORK MEETINGS! And yeah, these meetings are “technically” “mandatory”, but only ‘cause my core leadership value is F-U-
N! Y’all were supposed to spell it along with me. F-U-N! Say it with me! [smacks podium with big stick].
My vision is to host a VERY FUN meeting every week until our survey results improve. You’re all probably wondering “when” these meetings will be scheduled. HAHAHAAA! Well, I’m not gonna tell you ‘cause fun is supposed to be spontaneous. Don’t stress—my assistant prepared everything to ensure your computers shut down and the song “Working for the Weekend” by Loverboy blasts across our intercom system according to my SECRET FUN schedule.
Our VERY FUN meetings will last about nine hours, and since I walk my values as a FUN CEO, I’ve given security the thumbs up for allowing staff to enter the building during weekends so that you can finish whatever boring shit I pay you people to do. Kidding! I’m sure your work is super cool!
What did you say? [points big stick at person] Ah yes, changing the song lyrics to “working on the weekends” is a FUN joke for us, HAHAA!
Any-who, we’ll play hard at my very fun meetings, and then you’ll work hard on the weekends to balance out the FUN!! Who’s having fun already? I know I am! Say it with me!
SAY IT! LOUDER! [waves big stick in the air]
Now, I’m gonna get vulnerable ‘cause good leaders show their softer side. Do you know how reading these survey results made me feel? I’ll tell you [raises big stick in the air].
IT MADE ME FEEL [smacks podium with big stick] VERY VERY [smack smack] SAD! [holds big stick in the air while glaring at employees]
BECAUSE [smack] I LOVE [smack] YOU ALL [smack] SO MUCH [smack].
That’s right—I love my employees so much that I’ll cram all 5,784 of you into our Tony Robbins Conference Room on a weekly basis to review the survey results TOGETHER LIKE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY [smack].
This ledger that I hold [slams ledger onto podium] contains every complaint from our recent survey. I wanna commend you for your bravery. You shared what you perceive to be issues and I promise to deliver solutions entirely based on my limited and some say “psychopathic” perspective.
That was a joke! Hahaha! Come on folks!
Anyways, some may think singing my favorite songs together and practicing TikTok dances is a “distraction tactic” and that these activities don’t get to the core issues this company faces. Some of you may claim this “song and dance” is an insult to working professionals with college degrees. I even heard someone [points big stick at a very specific person] accuse me of treating employees like kindergarteners.
Please! TRUST ME [smack]. All I ask is that you give the very fun meetings a chance [smack smack].
Before I fly off to Vienna for a CEO gathering hosted by my bro Elon, I wanna remind everyone to grab a goodie bag filled with cheap, shiny items that my assistant selected from the Dollar Tree, a store I picked ‘cause I wanted to remind everyone of the value of a dollar and how difficult it would be to land another job in this frail economy. HAHAHA! Kidding!
Catch y’all at next week’s meeting! [hurls big stick at the audience]
