Humor
Our Schedule for This Sunday’s Gathering at Lakewood Church (Senior Pastor Joel Osteen)
We thank Father God for providing us tax exempt status
8:00 — 9:00 AM
Fellowship and Prayer.
9:00 — 9:30 AM
Opening word from Pastor Olsteen’s Senior Accountant & Church Treasurer, Rupert Moneysworth.
9:30 — 10:30 AM
Tithe collection (please adhere to the standard 70% of your household income while so graciously blessing the church).
10:30 AM — 12:00 PM
Worship with the church band “Lakewood’s Leviticus 18:22.”
Songs this week will include: “God Is Not a Fraud,” “It’s Not OK to Not Be OK,” and “Jesus Was a Biological Man.”
12:00 — 12:05 PM
Intermission.
12:06 — 1:00 PM
Baptism. Our “John The Baptist” Olympic-sized swimming pool is full of holy water and ready for some wet and wild fun! We officially welcome 375 new brothers, sisters, and tithers to the congregation here at Lakewood.
1:00 — 3:00 PM
Message from Senior Pastor Joel Osteen: “How Can Anyone Call God Unfair When I’m Wearing this $4,000 Armani Suit?”
3:00 — 3:04 PM
Intermission.
3:05 — 4:00 PM
Communion: this Sunday, the body of Christ will be a selection of imported ciabatta, certosino, and focaccia from the Amalfi Coast in Italy. The blood of Christ will be a selection of cabernet, merlot, and pinot noir all hailing from the south of France.
4:00 — 5:00 PM
Closing remarks and prayer from Senior Pastor Joel Osteen: “Does Everyone have Rupert’s Venmo?”
