Humor
Parents, Stop Complaining About School Closures and Simply Hire Another Nanny
Easy Fix for a Complex Problem
Fellow parents,
I too, was frustrated with the impact COVID-19 was having on our kids’ education, and angry they’ve been forced back to cumbersome online learning which has caused major challenges to child care. That is, until a lightbulb went off in my head a few nights ago while drinking a glass of my 1964 Cheval Blanc, to simply hire a second nanny.
They say the most complex problems in life often have the easiest solutions. And in this case, the solution was to throw a boatload of old money, that your husband inherited from his great-grandfather’s suspicious offshore companies, at the problem. I suggest you do the same.
I get it, we ALL get it. Trying to provide your children a stable virtual learning environment, while at the same time expecting your only nanny to cook, clean, and help destroy any incriminating evidence lying around about your family’s shady financial activities, is an impossible task for one individual.
That’s why this morning I said to Hilda, “I see you. I hear you. And I’m happy to announce you’ll be getting some help.” It’s important to keep your nanny happy because we’re all in this together, and it’s the right thing to do. Also, it might dissuade her from ever discussing anything illegal she may have witnessed here, so better safe than sorry.
It’s just that easy! So, stop complaining that you can’t juggle working from home while at the same time ensuring your three school-age children are plugged in, learning, and not lighting your expensive French drapes on fire.
This pandemic has upended everyone’s life, regardless of their socioeconomic situation. You, like me, hired your original nanny to only look after your newborn twins, not their unruly siblings who should, in a perfect non-COVID world, be away at boarding school.
However, even their prestigious private academies, which are normally insulated from the outside world (thanks in part to the impenetrable walls and moats that surround the perimeters), were hard hit.
They also experienced staffing issues and required ventilation upgrades in essential learning areas like the science buildings, computer labs, and Peloton exercise rooms, with the final blow being the COVID outbreaks in the equestrian stables.
There’s nothing worse as a parent than telling your youngsters that they can’t play with their campus ponies anymore, therefore they have to come home.
So, after almost two years of virtual schooling, with your solo nanny running herself ragged, the solution to your domestic nightmare finally revealed itself.
And all you had to do, was just hire a much-needed second set of hands to serve as cook, cleaner, and schoolmaster, so that your original nanny could devote her time to more important household endeavors, like shredding mountains of your old bank records before the government can get their filthy hands on them.
When the world gives you lemons, do what the rest of us normal parents do — turn those lemons into 24 karat gold leaf martinis and tiny, endangered, songbirds that you shamefully eat under a napkin so God doesn’t see the gastronomic debauchery that you’re committing. Then, just hire another servant.
So, stop moaning and groaning about your kids’ schooling, it’s time to pull yourselves up by your Swarovski-encrusted bootstraps once and for all!
The fix for your childcare problems has been staring you in the face this entire time, which is to simply take advantage of your questionably accumulated, unabashed, difficult to prosecute without a paper trail, generational wealth.
You’re welcome.
