Pilot Synopses of Nickelodeon Reboots No One Asked For
The new iCarly trailer doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
Drake and Josh
When he is fired from Guitar Center for hitting on every female customer, Drake moves in with Josh, his wife Mindy, and their daughter Rosie, a secret prankster. Megan visits to give Rosie oboe lessons and discovers Rosie’s true nature when she finds her oboe laced with MiraLax.
Megan agrees to not tell Josh and Mindy if Rosie uses her deceptiveness to build Drake a fake resume so he can find a job. Rosie says that helping a serial harasser find employment would be a new low, even for a five-year-old scoundrel, and refuses.
Josh overhears the conversation on the nanny cam and commends his daughter for being so well rounded, like a Game Sphere. After shouting “Spherical!” Josh kicks out Drake and Megan, who remind him that American Dirt was an Oprah’s Book Club pick.
Drake is written off the show when he is arrested on child endangerment charges. He is replaced by Tig Notaro.
Although her custom-made backpacks have won Etsy Design Awards, Zoey can’t shake her reputation as “that girl from Teen Mom.”
After making a deal with Kevin O’Leary on Shark Tank for her silent leafblower company, Quinn says she’ll introduce Zoey to Mr. Wonderful if Zoey stops ghosting Chase, who has been making cryptic Facebook posts about his long-lost love since the Pacific Coast Academy 10-year reunion.
Zoey really wants a shark to invest in her business but thinks Quinn’s advice is hypocritical considering that Quinn has been ghosting Logan since she found out he lied on his LinkedIn page about being a model and really works at KFC.
Chase opens the PCA time capsule to find the note Zoey wrote about him, which just says “curly-headed stalker” on the back of a patent application for her backpack designs. Deeply hurt, Chase sells the patent to a knockoff Wish seller for 50 bucks.
Jade puts her character work and snark to good use as a professional dominatrix, while Beck makes six figures from his OnlyFans page. The couple is too embarrassed to tell their Hollywood Arts friends what they really do for a living, so they claim they are real estate agents.
Tori finds out the truth when she spots the whip in Jade’s briefcase, and Jade must be nice to Tori so she doesn’t tell the rest of their friends.
Robbie reveals the gang knew the truth all along since Rex maxed out his credit card on videos of a shirtless Beck washing his car and Andre couldn’t find Jade’s Realtor.com profile when he cashed his first royalty check on a Silver Lake condo.
Furious that she had to be nice for no reason, Jade reminds Tori that Cat thanked everyone but her — including Trina — when she won a Grammy performing a song that Andre wrote for Tori.
Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide
Ned Bigby, an author of self-help books for middle schoolers, is heartbroken when his ex-girlfriends Jennifer Mosley and Suzie Crabgrass finally admit the cattiness between them was oozing with sexual tension and elope.
His best friend Cookie suggests to Ned that it is time to move on as he hasn’t seen either of his ex-girlfriends in over 10 years and Moze didn’t recognize him when they passed each other in a Rite Aid parking lot.
Cookie reminds Ned that he has his thriving career to be thankful for, and Ned tries to tell Cookie that 23 1-star Goodreads reviews doesn’t exactly translate to “thriving career,” but Cookie is distracted preparing for the IPO launch of his startup FuzzButthead, a nickname-generating app.
Scrolling through Moze and Suzie’s wedding photos on Instagram for the fortieth time, Ned recognizes their officiant as Coconut Head. In a fit of rage Ned publicly trolls the newlywed couple on Twitter and is subsequently dropped by his agent and publisher.
After reaching his plasma donation limits, Ned returns to James K. Polk Middle School as head janitor to replace Gordy, who is retiring after becoming a millionaire overnight thanks to his investment in FuzzButthead. On his way out, Gordy tells Ned to look to the future rather than fixate on the things he loved so much in middle school.