Satire
Please Take This Survey for the Online Order You’ve Placed Written by an Actual Human Being, not an Algorithm
And After You’re Done Maybe We Can Hang Out?
How satisfied did you feel based on your overall experience? You don’t have to sugarcoat it for us, we’re just going to make the intern collect all this data and you can’t hurt his feelings because of some neurological damage completely unrelated to his desk being down in the chemical lab.
On a scale of 1–10, how likely are you to recommend us to your friend or colleague? Make sure they write it down. Lots of people just say they’ll take your recommendation and not do it. They need to be held accountable.
How did you learn about our website?
· TV
· Newspaper
· Social Media
· Search Engine
· Recommendation from a friend
· One of those tabs you pull from a light pole
· The town crier included it in their morning announcements
· The guy at computer repair made us your homepage
· Typed the wrong letter into the search bar and stumbled upon a new, Narnia-like world (by the way we’re super Christian)
· Other
Who are you shopping for?
· Friend
· Parent
· Boss
· Colleague
· Side piece
· Friends with benefits
· Short term fling
· Wedding hookup that’s lasting a while
· A warm body who makes you feel less alone
· Other
Please rate the below parameters as compared to our competitors.
· Website performance
· Product catalog
· Product information
· Pricing
· Shipping options
· Payment experience
· Online help
· Availability of virtual baby changing stations
· Ease of doxing other commenters
· Obstacle course difficulty
· Refractory period
· Vibe
How easy was it to navigate through the site? Navigate…like you’re goddamn Magellan. It’s a website for god’s sake, you look at stuff and click on it. What a dumb question, remind me to take this one off.
What other information would you like on this page? If you say weather, so help me I will come to your house and leave the biggest oil stain on your driveway with my son’s lemon of a car. He thinks it’s cool like some sort of calling card. What a dipshit I’ve raised.
How was the checkout experience overall? Did you like how we combined the shipping and billing address together like a goddamn pimp? I know it’s been around forever, but I still love that!
Do you generally find various alternatives for the same product? Where do you find them? I’ll kill them! I’m sorry, I’m just messing around. It’s cool that we can let our guards down like this around each other.
How do you rate the quality of our products as compared to our competitors? I mean sure, they will get you cheaper stuff more quickly, but you lose the personal touch. We like to think of our customers and us as one big family and we’re going to need your help with an intervention this weekend if you’re free.
On a scale of 0–10, how likely are you to buy from us again? Keep in mind we take December off every year.
How satisfied are you with the availability of products? Sometimes we run out of stuff and we could order more but then I have to get on my old computer to do it because that’s the one with all my passwords on it and honestly the room it’s in bums me out because of my wife’s tasteless decorations, but other than that she’s good people.
Would you like to enroll in paid services to get products earlier? This is super helpful if you need things quickly like insulin and gear for gaming.
Did you receive your product at the shipping address? If not, did you screw up your own address? Totally cool if you did, I drove to the wrong house the other night and slept there because I didn’t want to let go of my foolish pride.
Please rate your experience with the delivery personnel. Did they at any point call you “chief”, “boss”, “scrub”, “whoop”, “wench”, “chopper”, “scout”, “rude boy”, “papi”, “pappy”, “daddio” or “Good King Wenceslas”? Pretty sweet, huh?
On a scale of 1–10, how was your experience with the customer support executive? Keep in mind they’re going through a divorce right now, so if you could kind of grade on a curve it would be more useful to us.
Did the customer executive solve your query? Don’t know why we worded it that way, like we’re British all of the sudden. I don’t buy that those people are so much smarter than us, do you?
Please select the reason for purchasing this product. Select all that apply.
· Preferred brand
· Need
· Locally owned, made or sourced
· Sentimental value
· Product quality
· Part of a ransom package
· Sending it to a sex worker online
· Filling the hole in your heart where human connection should be
· Butt purchase
· Other
Would you like to know more about our membership benefits? It can get you discounts, faster delivery and podcast recommendations by my nephew who hasn’t made eye contact with me since 2006.
How satisfied are you with the vendor options we offer? This should improve over time, it’s just that a lot of vendors won’t talk to me after my last presentation at a conference where I said everyone should only own four things and then a bunch of stuff about the Swedes.
