HUMOR
Press Briefing from Caligula’s Chief of Staff
Just a normal news day in 37 A.D.
Hey everybody, thanks for being here. Just got a few quick things to cover before I open the floor to questions.
First of all, I just want to address the rumors that Caligula is deranged, disturbed, and unfit to rule. Those rumors are outrageous. Just because he thinks he’s an actual deity and sings “I’m a Little Teapot” in the shower doesn’t mean he’s insane. He’s a Virgo, after all. He’s just creative. It hurts the Emperor’s feelings to have his judgement criticized during this time of personal crisis. I’m sure you’re all aware he had to banish his sister recently. It’s been very difficult for him. The Emperor loved his sister very much. Perhaps…too much…and that’s all I’ll say on the matter.
There’s one other piece of personal news I want to touch on before moving on to political matters. The reports of endless orgies taking place on the Emperor’s yacht are grossly exaggerated. They’re not just on his yacht. Sometimes they’re in his beach house. Or in the middle of the street. And they are not endless. They usually taper off once the hor d’oeuvres run out.
The Emperor has nothing more to say about the orgies, other than sign-up sheets are posted around the city.
I’m sure many of you are aware that Caligula’s recent decision to appoint his horse, Mr. Sprinkles, to the senate has drawn a lot of criticism. This is preposterous. Have you ever seen a horse wearing a toga? It’s adorable. The senate should confirm Mr. Sprinkles immediately! I could even use a terrible pun and tell the senators to stop “horsing around” but I won’t, even though I just did.
Which is not to say the Emperor is opposed to criticism. Caligula is fair and just, and encourages the free exchange of ideas. In a totally unrelated note, the Emperor’s main critic, Cassius Gemellus Gelato, was randomly found dead this morning with 347 stab wounds in his face.
The investigation is being led by the Emperor himself, and he finds no evidence of foul play.
Moving on to more practical matters, Caligula is happy to announce the aqueduct extension — which was supposed to supply half the city with water — has been postponed. Caligula has instead chosen to have all 3,000 pairs of sandals he owns plated with gold.
I got one last thing to cover in domestic affairs before touching on foreign policy, so bear with me. Please be advised that Caligula is once again planning to confiscate all the private property of random citizens. To make this process more efficient, please have all your belongings in clearly marked boxes before the Praetorian Guard arrives at your door.
In foreign policy news, Caligula has ordered Roman troops to invade Asia for the sole purpose of bringing back ripe mangosteens he can use in fruit smoothies. This will probably cripple the empire’s treasury reserves and kill untold thousands. However, Caligula stands by his decision, saying the whole thing is worth it because mangosteens have a really cool name.
Don’t forget next Tuesday is the start of this season’s gladiator fights. The theme is: Prisoners Desperately Try To Fend Off Hungry Lions. That’s also the theme for next week, and the week after that. And the week after that…and probably the week after that as well.
Okay folks, that pretty much wraps things up. I’m ready to answer any question you might have, as long as it comes from the list of pre-approved questions you have in front of you. Any questions suggesting the Emperor is weak against the Visigoths will be ignored. I’m also not taking any questions from CNN, the Carthage News Network.
