HUMOR
Reasons Why Scooby Sucks As a Detective
Seriously, he doesn’t even care about this case
Me, my dog Scooby-Doo, and the gang receive a call from realtor Maxine Sellers to spend the night in the Pemberley Mansion. Ms. Sellers says someone or something has been scaring her and interested buyers during mansion tours. She wants us to get to the bottom of it.
With keys in hand we all jump in the van, after Scoobs finishes his Purina, and head towards an all-night investigation. Turns out, bringing Scoobs along isn’t a great idea. Here’s why:
1. The mansion looks eerie, but inside Ms. Sellers has staged it with modern furnishings. We have to dissuade Scoobs from jumping on pristine velvet sofa cushions in the foyer.
2. Me, Scoobs, and the gang split up on the ground floor in search of clues. Suddenly, Daphne shouts, “Here! I’ve found something.” We follow her voice to the crawlspace at the back stairs where lies an out-of-place pair of sneakers. Scoobs begins sniffing them, cursorily with tip of nose. He now has full snout inside a shoe.
3. “Okay, Scoobs, that’s enough,” I say. He can’t help himself. “Scoobs,” I try again. “Can this scent lead you to someone?” He ignores me, rubbing up against the sneakers in doggy bliss. He then rolls on them as if on his doggy bed back home. I turn to Fred who wears a concerned look and says, “Maybe we should keep searching.”
4. Exiting the backdoor, we discover the outside hose has been left on and is flooding the nearby garden. “Scoobs, who do you think did this and why?” I ask, but he just starts drinking from the dripping valve. We stand there waiting for an answer, but he’s really thirsty.
5. We hear a noise from the side yard and run to the location. Scoobs moves with us then diverges and begins running around at random. We pause, looking on, confused. Scoobs runs in circles, only to pause in turn with a moonlight gleam in his eye. “I think he wants us to play and chase him,” Vilma offers. “Now’s not the time, Scoobs,” I say.
6. Turning to the side yard, we find nobody. However, there’s a clue! It’s a footprint. “I’ll bet those sneakers we found are missing,” Fred says. “This mark looks exactly like it was made by that type of shoe.” I say, “I agree. Hey, Scoobs, what do you — ” We all turn to Scoobs who is in the middle of taking his second dump of the evening.
7. Finding nothing else outside, we ascend creaking stairs to investigate second floor rooms. Each carrying a flashlight, we split up. After searching two rooms, I hear a noise. It sounds like someone picking a difficult lock from downstairs. Maybe a burglar is trying to break in… Scooby is nowhere to be found, that dog!
8. I slowly make my way towards the noise. I see shadows dance on the walls! It’s Daphne and the others. We have all arrived at the source of the sound. Scoobs lays there gnawing on his “boney.”
9. We turn to race back upstairs at new movement heard in one of the bedrooms. Nothing is discovered. Suddenly, we hear Scoobs whining. We head downstairs again. He’s managed to push his “boney” underneath a cabinet where he can’t reach it. I bend down and retrieve the saliva-covered distraction. “Here ya go, Scoobs.”
10. Scoobs briefly chews his “boney” then charges upstairs to the storage room. We follow and open the door to find a rat! Scoobs chases the rodent, which escapes through a crack in the floorboards.
11. There’s a crash at the other storage room across the hall. We search the spacious room, and a figure pops up wailing! Scoobs isn’t around, still sniffing out the rat. We back away from this specter who darts for the exit then stairway draped in what looks like bedsheets. I see tail-wagging Scooby abandon his rodent search and go after the ghost. The figure trips on the bedsheets, pulled down to reveal a man. He falls down the stairs, while Scoobs makes for the sheets, something more easily chewed to bits.
12. We catch up to the semi-conscious haunter and discover him to be the 30-something live-at-home son of Mrs. Pemberley. We learn he doesn’t want his mother to sell. Meanwhile, Scoobs is still upstairs tearing up the “ghost” sheets, taking breaks to stare, head cocked, at the rat storage room.
13. Perhaps on our next case we’ll leave ol’ Scoobs at home in the yard where he’s best suited. ’Cause, you know. He’s a dog.
