Second Amendment Guarantees My Right to Keep and Bear Killer Robots

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a weaponized android is a good guy with a weaponized android.

James Klein
Greener Pastures Magazine

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Licensed from Shutterstock Images

The Second Amendment is under attack by people who claim they only want background checks for buying homicidal kill-bots, but don’t be fooled. They’re coming to take our homicidal kill-bots away.

The rights of law-abiding Americans to protect ourselves with lethal cyborgs was enshrined in the U.S. Constitution, a perfect, near-holy document that has only been amended twenty-seven times. The Supreme Court has ruled that the Second Amendment’s “well-regulated militia” was just another way of saying, “AI-driven autonomous assault drone.”

Supreme Court Justices understand that when the government has an army of mechanized soldiers, every citizen needs a mechanized army of their own. Otherwise, we risk having our freedoms taken away by a tyrannical government. Instead, our liberties are protected by an all-powerful machine consciousness controlling invincible legions of armored murder-droids, as the Founding Fathers intended.

The number of automaton mass-shootings has skyrocketed in recent years, as more people are instructing their deadly appliances to execute everyone around them. This only highlights the need for heavily armed robotic guards everywhere at all times, so we’re protected during the ensuing firestorms of exploding ordinances.

States that have “Stand your Ground” laws have extended them to sentient machines, which are programmed to annihilate perceived enemies before anyone realizes the device has used a thermal canon to roast an innocent bystander — in self-defense, of course.

I also use my gun-bot for recreational activities, like target practice and hunting. Some say hunting with an AI-powered killing machine isn’t fair, but I say it’s part of my heritage. I’m a sportsman who only wants to enjoy the rapturous beauty of nature while my cybernetic companion slaughters every animal within a five-mile radius. Like my ancestors did.

I’m not saying there aren’t limits to the kinds of weapons civilians can own. Our nation draws the line at military hardware, like rocket launchers and attack helicopters. That’s why I only have domestic warbots, which cook and clean my house when they’re not slaying trespassers.

We won’t be free as a nation until everyone closely monitors each other with drone-based surveillance equipment. But let’s be honest — who has the time? That’s why I have my computerized assassin do the monitoring for me, while I relax with my sex-bot, which is also armed, to protect me from my kill-bot.

Lately I’ve been thinking of replacing my security android with a newer model, an idea it doesn’t seem to like, as it aims a sniper rifle at my head whenever I talk about it.

Never mind what I just said! I love my kill-bot and will never replace it. We will live together forever — just the two of us, now that it has murdered my sex-bot.

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James Klein
Greener Pastures Magazine

My dog thinks I’m cool. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, and others. All of it at jameskleinhumor.com.