Humor
Some Things To Consider Before Getting a Puppy
Let the suffering begin
1. Puppies are Sociopaths
The dog will interpret “No!” “Off” and “Leave it” to mean “Yes, go right ahead and gnaw on my new leather couch.” “Aw, you’re so cute! Enjoy peeing on the shag rug every time you get excited.” “While you’re at it, please knock down the toddler and beat the crap out of the older dog that just wants to sleep.”
2. Crate Training Turns You into a Shell of Your Former Self
Especially when the puppy spends the entire first night howling as if someone were trying to slash her throat. Wearing ear plugs, taking deep breaths and polishing off the leftover Ambien won’t help you ignore it. The dog will be sleeping on your bed within hours.
3. You’re in a Codependent Relationship
At puppy training class, yours will behave the worst. You will spend most of class time justifying your puppy’s actions. The instructor will start off using the way you mishandle your rambunctious animal as a teachable moment, and then kick you out of class when your puppy manages to mount every other dog in the class… and a few of their owners, too.
4. You Will Flash Your Neighbors
Accept that your neighbors will see you run down the street, braless and barefoot, wearing only a grungy nightshirt, when the puppy figures out how to scale the fence and chase the bird that has been taunting her for weeks. Pro tip: Buy nice underwear.
5. You’ll Avoid Next-Door Neighbors
Yes, they’re talking about you. No, you don’t want to know.
6. You’ll Get a Second Job
First-time pet owners, take whatever number you have thoughtfully put aside for puppy expenses and rip it into pieces smaller than your favorite shoes, which the puppy will eat anyway. You’ll need additional income when the new dog scratches the kitchen cabinets beyond recognition, busts the pipes while digging a backyard grave for his nemesis possum and causes lawsuits from your pissed off neighbors.
7. By the End of Year One, Your Brainwashing is Complete.
No amount of therapy can console you about the fact that you volunteered for this misery. You have finally been trained to tolerate hell for the occasional snuggle, obeyed command and cute photo op.
