Satire

Ted Cruz Reviews Game of Thrones’ Final Season

This proud GOP member hated the ending of GOT!

Gracie Beaver-Kairis
3 min readFeb 1, 2021

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Game of Thrones copyright HBO, Ted Cruz official Senate portrait from https://www.cruz.senate.gov/?p=about_senator [Fair Use]

When I’m not accidentally liking pornographic tweets or inciting a coup, I binge peak TV. I’m a little late to the game in hating on Game of Thrones’ final season, but in light of recent events, I wanted to express my outrage at the way the season turned out. Obviously, the Battle of Winterfell was not started by the Night King, but was in fact a false flag operation, staged by the Stark family to regain control of the North.

I wasn’t shocked that Jon, Sansa, Arya, and the rest of their bannermen stooped that low. The Starks were establishment politicians who spent eight seasons taking the Night King’s actions out of context to advance their own agenda and using fake-news, lame-stream Ravens to paint the frozen zombie King as a monster. It only follows that the far-left Starks fabricated a sham attack on Winterfell in an attempt to discredit the Night King and his loyal army of Undead. What is surprising is that nobody else is acknowledging this.

I’ve watched the episode several times and there is no evidence that any of the violence was actually committed by White Walkers and not by, let’s say, heavily made-up Dothraki.

Maybe Jon Snow and his cronies got some blue contact lenses (probably easily available at any Wildling trading post!), stood out in the snow for a while to get frostbitten, and then attacked Winterfell in disguise as Night King supporters? Or maybe that Bran kid warged into the minds of the very fine Night King army patriots and forced them to act out? That would make perfect sense! I just don’t understand why nobody else is seeing this!

When the Night King marched his Wight army to the gates of Winterfell, he never wanted this carnage. He was just asking the White Walkers to peacefully protest the Starks’ plan to import Dragonglass.

I was praying for the truth to come out, but then next thing you know, those dirty Starks were saying that the Night King has been “defeated.” Excuse me? The Night King’s rule was completely and unprecedentedly stolen from him — is the show not even going to acknowledge that? Arya totally cheated when she put a dagger through the King’s heart — this was a…

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Gracie Beaver-Kairis
Greener Pastures Magazine

Gracie Beaver-Kairis is a humor writer and semi-functioning adult living in the Pacific Northwest.