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The Benefits of an Impending Zombie Apocalypse: A Kinder, Gentler America
by Debbie L. Miller
Pay Equity
The Equal Pay/Pay Equity issue is rendered moot because everyone’s earning the same wage: i.e., zero (zombies don’t care about money and gladly work for free). No more striving or kissing the boss’s ass for a pay raise, ‘cuz who cares?
Unemployment Rates
As the need for skilled labor climbs, the construction sector expands and hordes of heavy equipment operators join the workforce to clean up the mess, especially in DC where levels of shit are astronomical. On the home front, entrepreneurial zombies form house cleaning cooperatives to address the re-emerging interest in neatness though oddly, children and house pets begin disappearing along with dirt.
Ageism
Age discrimination is no longer an issue — zombies are already dead and can’t get any older. And, due to the decomposition of the zombie body, it’s impossible to assess an individual’s age, which levels the playing field.
Violence
As the population zombifies, flesh-eating killing machines tire of violence and woke zombies give back with random acts of kindness. They teach tai chi at senior centers, hand out Ramen noodles and canned soup at food banks, and lead sing-a-longs at preschools.
The Healthcare Crisis
If you’re already dead, you can’t catch a disease or die, so there’s no demand for health care. Contagious disease becomes a thing of the past and nurses and doctors retire in droves as the health insurance industry shrinks and Big Pharma goes under.
Fashion/Beauty
Though there’s little demand for clothing (zombies wear the same old rags day in and day out), the fashion industry flourishes as creatives invent “Zombie Grunge” and crank out bloody sweatshirts and torn, flesh-flecked panty hose. Zombie women forgo makeup, manicures and hair products, and the beauty industry implodes. Now, women pursue their dreams instead of worrying whether their eyebrows are even.
Dating
Formerly murderous mobs who opted for survival over finding the perfect mate reconsider. Groaning hordes of mindless, shambling folks roam the streets looking for other bat-shit crazy creatures to hook up with, but since appearance doesn’t matter, everyone has an equal chance to attract the limb-munching predator of their choice.
Abortion
With random sex on the rise, abortion demands increase. Yet, even in a Zombie Apocalypse world where everyone’s dead, right to lifers and pro-choice advocates still clash on the abortion issue.
