HUMOR
The GOP’s New Last-Minute Slogan for the 2024 Election: “Make the Middle Ages Great Again” (MMAGA)
Let’s protect America’s heritage by getting medieval!
With the 2024 election drawing nigh, we the Republican Party believe that it is more urgent than ever to clarify our platform. For years, we have longed to return to the values and social inequalities of the mid twentieth century, when America was the only country with nuclear weapons, and women couldn’t have credit cards. But after some reflection, it occurred to us: why stop at the 1950s when we could really honor our heritage by taking things all the way back to the 1350s?
We have therefore decided that the only way to truly make America great again is to take our country back centuries earlier in time by reviving the culture and values of fourteenth-century England. That’s why, this November, we’re asking for your vote to Make the Middle Ages Great Again (MMAGA).
This election is an opportunity for us to import the best of the Middle Ages into twenty-first-century America. And by “best” we don’t mean eyeglasses, clocks, or algebra — as the authors of the Project 2025 manifesto would say, who needs science or math when you have the Bible and The Art of the Deal?
No, we want to bring back medieval stuff that really matters: crusades, political prophecies, and the belief that sex is only ok when a man is doing it to a woman who’s pretending to enjoy it.
They say chivalry is dead. Fear not: the GOP will bring it back to life! But again, we’re only going to focus on the good bits like pointy weapons and pointless jousting, not all that woke nonsense about caring for the underprivileged, weak, and defenseless. We believe that inside every white American male is a White Knight trying to get out, and our dream is to make that happen.
Many of the beliefs we Republicans hold dear are already in line with medieval thinking. For example, like many members of the medieval clergy, we believe that “good” women fall into one of three categories: (white heterosexual) wives, (white heterosexual) widows, or (white heterosexual) virgins. Women who do not fall into one of these three categories are to be classified as either witches, wenches, or anchoresses (that’s medieval for “childless cat ladies”).
We cannot deny that women and other groups have made some advances since the Middle Ages. But as several of our Supreme Court’s recent decisions have made clear, we can easily move backwards in time. Roe v. Wade may have given women the constitutional right to choose in 1973, but thanks to some creative interpretations of the early twelfth-century Leges Henrici Primi we were able to overturn that only fifty years later! Affirmative action may have been around since the 1960s, but now that’s gone, too! If things keep going this way, we’ll be back in the fourteenth century before we know it!
High on our MMAGA agenda are the following:
- Rewrite the Constitution in what our carefully selected “historians” assure us is medieval English: The new version will begin with the words “Wee ye olde people”.
- Revive trial by ordeal: In our book, the only truly innocent people are those who can either (a) miraculously hold a red-hot poker without getting burned or (b) buy their way out of court.
- Replace medical treatment and preventive healthcare with magic: The sorcerers we employ assure us that magical charms and talismans are just as effective as masks and vaccines, if not more so. Without magic, the Black Death would’ve killed a lot more than 50 million people!
- Bring back jousting: America doesn’t need things like affordable housing, affordable healthcare, or gun control. What America really needs is more costumed people on horseback hitting each other with pointy sticks.
- Bring back that thing that’s basically a head-cage for women who talk too much (or, you know, at all): Letting women talk is just asking for trouble.
GOP soothsayers and mages have foretold that certain portents would appear that would herald an imminent Republican victory. Apparently a goat was recently born with two heads and Laura Loomer was accidentally served a nonfat venti mochachino instead of a nonfat venti Pink Coconut Refresha at Starbucks, so the election is as good as won.
Today, as the second quarter of the twenty-first century prepares to dawn, we ask you to help us save America by dragging it seven centuries back into the past. Together, we can Make the Middle Ages Great Again!
