Humor
The Ultimate Guide to LinkedIn Connections
Get Your 500+ in Under Ten Minutes With This LIFE HACK
For all you young entrepreneurs, corporate stallions, or unpaid interns working hours you probably didn’t sign up for, we at LinkedIn know exactly what you need. As that guy once said: from each according to his ability, to each according to his GRIND. And hers, for sure, like girls work, too sometimes. So champ (or champtress), do me a favor and think outside the box. Use that massive BOSS (or girlboss) brain of yours. THINK, idiot (or bitch). What’s better than being able to afford basic human necessities? That’s right: 500+ connections. Ready. Set. NETWORK.
9:30
Alright. Nine and a half minutes to go after my brief yet awesome opener– unless you read like my guy Derek. Yeah, he’s slow but he’s making twice your salary working for his dad’s company.
9:00
Okay, now I’m just assuming you read like Derek. First, yank that LinkedIn profile right from that stinky crack of yours. You filthy motherfucker. Ya know who had the nastiest, asshole, though? You guessed it. Derek. My man’s banana cannon looked like a dusty chimney any day of the week.
7:00
Seven minutes? Man, if this were a reading test… you would still be faster than Derek for sure. But not that much faster and that’s kinda really bad. I’m worried for you, bro. Anyway, you’ve got plenty of time. How many connections do you have already– like three-hundo? TWENTY? You only have TWENTY connections? Okay, shit, we need a comeback and we need it fast. Call Derek. Tell him I sent you. The secret code is FERDA-BOYS. He’ll also ask for 20 push-ups so let’s pray you’re as shredded as me.
6:15
He told you to kick rocks? That’s classic Derek. Hold on lemme call him.
1:00
My dude, sorry it took so long! Big D and I haven’t shot the shit since Alpha Sig threw that massive banger our senior year. Yeah, yeah the same one that got charged for some brutal hazing a few years later but, hey, their parties were dope so shut up.
0:45
Alright, shit, we gotta move. Connect with everyone you went to high school with NOW. Yes, the guy that knocked your sister up. Yes, the teacher that said some questionable things to you at the urinal. And YES, the band kids who used to tongue each other down in the hallway. YES YES YES. CATCH ’EM ALL, YOU NETWORKING GOAT.
0:30
Now request everyone you went to college with. If you didn’t go to college, ignore this step– you’re fucked. Anyway, connect with the custodians, the professors, the fucking president of your sweet, money-sucking alma mater. What’s the worst that could happen, they say no? Like you don’t know what rejection feels like, you Tinder-addicted peen.
0:15
Okay, champ, we’re down to the wire. Do you pray? Now’s the time to pray. And send that final request to… MR. DEREK’S DAD. Man owns and operates a couple of massive companies. Ethics aside he’s a certified billionaire and father to one of the coolest bucks you’ll ever meet. What’s Derek’s last name? Oh, sorry, I thought I mentioned it earlier! It’s Musk. Dad’s name is Elon– go ahead and click that add button for me, sport.
0:00
And time is up, my sweet networking protégé-ski. How’d you do? Yo, Elon actually accepted your invite? Woooorrrrrddddd. Oh shit, there’s a black van at your house? And some scary guys pounding on your door? Ah, man, I figured this would happen. Elon hates when I tell people about his LinkedIn. Okay, just do what they say and you should be fine. It’s all worth it for the 500+, my man. Oh shit, you’re a lady. I keep forgetting dudettes can work now. That’s awesome. Okay in that case the last place you wanna be is in that van so RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. AND CALL DEREK. HE MAY NOT BE MUCH HELP BUT HE CAN AT LEAST PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE ONE LAST TIME. RUN, DUDETTE, RUN! AND CONGRATS ON THE 500+.
