These Shorts Will Get You Through the Apocalypse

But They Might Outlast You

Joshua Siegal
Greener Pastures Magazine
2 min readJul 20, 2022


Ales Krivec -

Made with our proprietary rip-stop titanium-cotton blend, these cargo shorts (capri available) are perfect for relaxing on the deck of your luxury sea-stead or the patio of your decommissioned missile silo. They’ll keep you comfortable and well-supplied on those long shifts watching the horizon for surviving property assessors.

Each pair is fastidiously quality-controlled by a real conflict diamond trafficker, so you know you’re getting a product that’s tough, rugged, and positively reeks of luxury — while remaining practical and down-to-earth.


— Waist cinch expands or contracts, accommodating you however you’re living through the end times

— Antimicrobial-silver-coated urine filtration catheter / straw

— Snack pouch with breathable zipper for storing any bugs you find on your property

— Integrated customs-approved RFID tag in case you ever need to be hastily boxed up and shipped somewhere around the globe

— Waistband cyanide capsules — enough for you, your spouse, their kids, and that one servant who will be buried with you someday

— Commemorative Fyre Festival keychain pendant

— Pocket strap digital compass / seismometer can detect earthquakes, tsunamis, or approaching hordes

— Lower back support for those tedious moments spent contemplating your role in civilization’s downfall

— Hex-latex padding protects your seat while you read your hard copy of Atlas Shrugged

— Walnut and ballistic glass display case

Available in olive drab or champagne.




Joshua Siegal
Greener Pastures Magazine