HUMOR
TO: Ms. Carla Greene / FROM: Heaven Legal Dept. / RE: Your Recently Nullified Salvation
We regret to inform you that your soul is eternally damned.
For years, a Catholic priest used one wrong word during baptisms. The church now says the rituals were invalid. https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/02/15/catholic-priest-wrong-word-baptisms-invalid/
Dear Ms. Greene:
As you are presumably aware, you recently passed away. We at the Heaven Legal Department are writing to explain why despite your baptism and upstanding moral life, you currently find yourself in Hell.
To summarize the pertinent details: It came to your attention last spring that you, a lifelong devout Catholic, were not baptized as a baby. You therefore were baptized at the Diocese of Phoenix by Friar Andres Arango at 1:04pm on Sunday, April 18, 2021. As part of the Rite of Baptism, Fr. Andres stated the following:
We baptize you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
As recently reported in the news, while the phrase Fr. Andres used was generally correct, one word was manifest error. Heaven, and its subsidiary The Catholic Church, requires priests to say, “I baptize you,” instead of “we baptize you,” as negligently done by the good Friar. Before you died, you were not made aware of this issue and therefore were unable to be rebaptized with the proper pronoun.
We regret to inform you that this error has had the devastating effect of condemning your soul to eternal damnation.
You are probably wondering: Isn’t this just a technicality? Surely God understands that it was my intention to relinquish my soul to Him, even if the priest said “we” instead of “I”?
In short, no. As stated plainly by the Phoenix Diocese in its handy FAQ section about the incident:
“If you change the words, actions, or materials required in any of the sacraments, they are not valid. For example, if a priest uses milk instead of wine during the Consecration of the Eucharist, the sacrament is not valid. The milk would not become the Blood of Jesus Christ.”
So you see, Ms. Greene, just as only wine (and not milk) can transmogrify into Christ’s blood after you drink it, “we” cannot be substituted for “I” in the Rite of Baptism. Accordingly, Heaven was unable to permit you to pass through The Pearly Gates®.
We are grateful for your 86 years of gentleness, generosity, and caring on Earth. To recognize only a few of your good deeds: you fostered thirty-nine children; opened five animal shelters; volunteered at your local soup kitchen every week since 2001, when you retired from social work; and publicly forgave your late husband’s murderer at his parole hearing, helping secure his release after three decades of incarceration. The two of you then co-wrote and self-published a book on forgiveness (the #1 NYT best-seller for five straight months).
You were truly one of a kind, and we at Heaven wish you all the best during your eternal stay in Hell.
We know that this is a difficult time for you, and will continue to be difficult forever — we appreciate your understanding.
This matter cannot be appealed.
