HUMOR

Top 10 Responses To Ordering A “Cup of Coffee” In A Brooklyn Coffeehouse

There’s a Starbucks a block away. Maybe you’d be more comfortable there?

James Klein
Greener Pastures Magazine
2 min readMar 1, 2022

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10. Okay, boomer. Bet you want milk from a tortured animal, you animal torturer.

9. We don’t have coffee drinks. Or cups. We sell only whole, unroasted beans that have passed through the digestive tract of a wild marmot, packed in reusable nut-fiber bags that you should’ve bought a month ago, because we’re out of nut-fiber bags. And coffee.

8. That’s it, I’m quitting to start my DIY macramé YouTube channel!

7. No problem, just select one of our eighty-nine types of coffee, and one-hundred and twelve ways to prepare it. We have thirty-six kinds of milk as well, including flax milk, pea milk, and potato milk. That choice will be easy, as we’re out of everything except potato milk.

6. Right away, SIR! I know how precious your time is, because you’ve exploited enough people to create a lopsided power dynamic under the cruel conditions of late-stage capitalism! Would you like to try our new almond latte?

5. Certainly, what size? We have minionetto and minionetta, as well as midionetto and midionetta. If you want something smaller than that, or larger, there’s alphatorrè, cölmänöla, and extra-medium cölmänöla. You can also order two cölmänölas, served in three demivento cups, if you and two friends want a smaller large size than our regular “grande small.”

4. I wasn’t sure if they were, like, angry at you or something, or if it was just, you know, a miscommunication, because sometimes someone seems like they’re mad, but it’s just, like, in your head. (Spoken to a nearby barista.)

3. Okay, but you must take it to-go, because you’re killing the vibe every second you’re in here. Everyone else is just trying to relax, and doesn’t need someone so patently uncool around when they’re doing it. That’s not just me saying it, it’s everyone I imagine is thinking it.

2. Our barista is kind of in a mood, so if you could wait between forty-five minutes and three hours for them to chill out in the alley with some Psychedelic Blueberry vape “medicine,” they’ll be right with you right after that, if they still remember you’re here, or that they have a job.

  1. Ugh. (Turns and walks away.)

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James Klein
Greener Pastures Magazine

My dog thinks I’m cool. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, and others. All of it at jameskleinhumor.com.