HUMOR

Top 10 Responses To Ordering A “Cup of Coffee” In A Brooklyn Coffeehouse

There’s a Starbucks a block away. Maybe you’d be more comfortable there?

James Klein
Greener Pastures Magazine
2 min readMar 1, 2022

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10. Okay, boomer. Bet you want milk from a tortured animal, you animal torturer.

9. We don’t have coffee drinks. Or cups. We sell only whole, unroasted beans that have passed through the digestive tract of a wild marmot, packed in reusable nut-fiber bags that you should’ve bought a month ago, because we’re out of nut-fiber bags. And coffee.

8. That’s it, I’m quitting to start my DIY macramé YouTube channel!

7. No problem, just select one of our eighty-nine types of coffee, and one-hundred and twelve ways to prepare it. We have thirty-six kinds of milk as well, including flax milk, pea milk, and potato milk. That choice will be easy, as we’re out of everything except potato milk.

6. Right away, SIR! I know how precious your time is, because you’ve exploited enough people to create a lopsided power dynamic under the cruel conditions of late-stage capitalism! Would you like to try our new almond latte?

5. Certainly, what size? We have minionetto and minionetta, as well as midionetto and midionetta. If you want something smaller than that, or…

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Greener Pastures Magazine
Greener Pastures Magazine

Published in Greener Pastures Magazine

Greener Pastures is a comedy and satire site run by a bunch of writers obsessed with out-writing, out-joking and out-funnying each other.

James Klein
James Klein

Written by James Klein

My dog thinks I’m cool. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, and others. All of it at jameskleinhumor.com.

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