HUMOR
Totally Valid Excuses Why You Can’t Attend Your Former College Roommate’s Ex-girlfriend’s Zoom 30th Birthday Party Next Tuesday at 7pm
In the pandemic, the usual excuses just don’t work…
During Covid, everyone thinks you’re free all the time, sitting around waiting for them to invite you to screen-time events that you would never have attended in real-life.
The usual excuses don’t work anymore.
Instead try these totally believable ones…
· “My dog ate my computer.”
· “I’m actually already attending another college roommate’s ex-girlfriend’s zoom 30th birthday party next Tuesday at 7pm.”
· “Tuesday is Day 2 of my Master Juice Cleanse, unfortunately, and I would just feel bad flaunting my lemon and cayenne water and newly Beyonce-esque figure in front of everyone.”
· “I have a grub-hub delivery coming then, and I think the delivery guy likes me — so I really owe it to myself to give that relationship my all.”
· “I could try to come on split screen but my niece/ neighbor/ tree-surgeon’s daughter is in a zoom nativity/ Easter/ Broadway production and I’m already split-screening with my 90-year-old grandma’s birthday party then.”
· “I’d love to but I’m already busy then. I volunteered to sew masks for homeless iguanas.”
· “Unfortunately I have to watch the New Jersey Housewives Season 2 Reunion for the 37th time…. My marriage is fine, why do you ask?”
· “I have already scheduled a home-school teacher- parent conference then.… Umm, yes, with myself but I have a lot to discuss.”
· “My shrink said I need to engage in self-care, and I really don’t think people need to see me doing that….Uh-uh I guess you’re right, I should’ve asked my shrink to define ‘self-care’ more clearly.”
· “I’m starting to feel guilty about drugging my cat, but otherwise she becomes quite the exhibitionist on zoom.”
· “Time zones are super-not-my-thing, but since I live in Chicago and the party is in Vegas, I think I’m still at work when the party is.”
· “I actually have to work then because my boss has started this new ‘evening meeting initiative’ to improve productivity. It seems to involve a lot of ukulele karaoke and I’m not really sure how that’s relevant to marketing, but I am new to the company.”
· “I would love to be there, but my vagina candle just exploded…”
Thanks to the Greener Pastures crew and my workshop friends!
