Humor

Trapped In A Room Full Of Murderous Nudists

The Naked Assassin — Part 7

I eyed Ganoosh cautiously. Like when you have a heart condition and some idiot gives their kid a jack-in-the-box to keep them occupied on a plane.

“So, you’re not Ganoosh’s daughter…are you?”

Ganoosh, or whoever she was, shifted audibly in my leather desk chair.

“Who do you think I am?”

“They tell me that you are the Naked Assassin.”

“And you believe that?”

“Well, you are sitting here naked.”

Just then the door crashed open, and in walked Bonzo, also naked.

“Bonzo, what the hell?”

“Naked Assassin. Don’t like to get blood on my clothes. Here to finish the job.”

And before I could say anything else, in walked Mantuno, also nude.

“Jesus fuck!”

“Don’t be such a prude. The Naked Assassin works for me.”

“But why are you naked?”

Mantuno brushed me off like a street sweeper at a shelled peanuts convention.

“Quiet, Thomas! No more questions from you. You were supposed to be dead.”

I was at a loss. I hadn’t been around this many naked people since my cousin’s sedar at Burning Man.

Mantuno turned to Ganoosh.

“Jessica, we didn’t think you’d be here.”

I knew it! She wasn’t Barbara Ganoosh. She was Jessica...someone. She had lied to me.

“Your name is Jessica? You lied to me?”

Ganoosh, I mean Jessica, looked at me like a candy striper who’d left her magazines in the john.

“Yes, I’m sorry, Children. I lied to you. My name isn’t Barbara Ganoosh. It’s Jessica. Jessica Fieldbottom. I was old man Ganoosh’s...ladyfriend.”

“You’re the mistress who stole the jewels?”

She fessed up.

“Yes, and don’t judge me. You would have done the same thing...And I would have gotten away easy except someone had pictures of the heist, and decided to blackmail me.”

Wow, I was impressed and smitten. Sure, she had double crossed her last boyfriend and got him killed, but she was outstanding.

“So, you figured that if I could get the photos for you, you’d be in the clear?”

“Something like that. Sorry, Children.”

“Yes, yes, you’re very sorry,” Mantuno interrupted, “but now, of course, you’ll both be dead...Bonzo!”

The big, naked guy came at me with a club.

“Where the hell did you get that?” He wasn’t holding a club when he walked in.

“None of your business, come here!” Bonzo took a wild swing and missed.

“No, really, where was that thing?” I ducked behind a file cabinet.

“Ahhhhhhh!” The naked giant screamed at me and slammed the club into the cabinet.

I pushed the cabinet over on top of him, and looked to see Mantuno charging at Ganoosh with a mallet that I kept on a side table. Why did I keep a mallet around?

“Hey, that’s my mallet.”

Mantuno gave me a look like a ventriloquist who just figured out the lottery.

“It’s mine now!”

“Children, help!” Ganoosh called out.

I tried to grab Mantuno, but she moved fast. Bonzo threw the cabinet aside and lunged at me.

Just then Johnny appeared at the door with a tommy gun.

“Nobody move, and why is most everyone naked?”

Bonzo stopped in his tracks, like a bear lost in an appliance store. Mantuno dropped the mallet.

I was never so happy to see Johnny.

“Oh man, great timing.”

Johnny was completely unfazed by the whole scene.

“I brought your money...Who are all these naked people?”

“That’s Ms. Mantuno and Bonzo. They were just trying to kill me.” I pointed to Bonzo’s club near the cabinet. “I wouldn’t touch that.”

“And who is this?” Johnny pointed at Jessica.

I wasn’t sure how to answer.

“That’s, ah?”

“Jessica. I’m his friend, Jessica.”

I handed her my overcoat.

“Maybe you should put something on now.”

“Thanks, I was getting a little chilly.”

The coat was a little big, but you know, she made it work.

Johnny had Mantuno and Bonzo sit on the floor. I decided to make some peace.

“So, look, Ms. Mantuno, it seems like we know some things about you two and you two know some things about us, and it seems like if we forget about the things we know about you, and you forget about the things that you know about us, I see no need for anyone to call the police about anyone having done anything, and I see no need for anyone to continue to want to murder anyone, OK?”

(To Be Continued...)