Humor
As Part of Our 200 Million Year Plan to Sustainable Energy, We at ExxonMobil Are Happy to Announce We Have Cloned and Murdered a Dinosaur
It’s Not “Murder,” it’s America
A lot of companies talk a big game when it comes to “green energy.” But why waste our precious resources on wind, solar, hydro, and other types of eco-friendly power when we have the original energy source right at our fingertips: dead dinosaurs.
If there’s one thing we care about at ExxonMobil, it’s the planet. That’s why we’re happy to announce that, as part of our new 200-million-year plan towards developing sustainable energy solutions, we have successfully cloned and murdered hundreds of dinosaurs.
Wind turbines might get you a few megawatt hours today, but a mass grave of Triceratops will get you a couple years’ worth of energy. A single Brontosaurus alone can power a Chuck E’ Cheese for up to nine months!
Our state-of-the-art dinocide facilities in Louisiana resurrect roughly 700 species of dinosaurs and grow them to maturity through our patented Incubator Pods. Once complete, they’re released into our Dinothermal Solutions Garden and are quickly killed by similar methods that would have existed in the Cretaceous Period. Some of these mediums include being drowned in organic tar pits, being pelted with biodegradable asteroids, or otherwise melted into oil — just like their ancestors!
All byproducts of the cloning process are 100 percent compliant with EPA standards before being pumped into the Gulf of Mexico. Studies show they have almost no negative effects on the marine dinosaurs that’ve escaped and now have total control of the area.
Sure, a few of our dinosaurs get hunted for sport, but all the carcasses are thrown into the grease pit afterwards, where they will spend millions of years decomposing into the fuel that will one day heat America’s homes. One of our top donors, Prince Harry, said it best: “there’s nothing more exciting than saving the planet and shooting a Stegosaurus in the face.”
Critics may claim that most fossil fuels don’t even come from dinosaurs. All we can say to that is: too late! These Velociraptors are breeding like rabbits, and the only solution is to charge forward into a greener future, hand-in-hand with our Mesozoic brethren. You’ll thank us in 200 million years.
Now about that sun explosion…
